Lazy jokes

• I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.So I pushed her over.
• 91% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past.Silly old fuckers.
• I recently took up meditation.It beats sitting around doing nothing.
• What do you get when you cross a fruit with a vegetable?A gay man in a wheelchair!
• We are always told we should look after and keep an eye on our old neighbours. Why the fuck should we? My 87 year old neighbour is such a lazy bitch, she hasn"t even taken her newspapers in for two weeks.
• A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody"s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I"ll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy. 4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I"ll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I"ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I"m only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
• A man told his doctor that he wasn"t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.""Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you"re just lazy.""Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
• To the earlier posters who said things like, "It"s almost 5 AM in America, so we have to get the good jokes out before those fat lazy Americans wake up and start voting them down." I say don"t worry, because we Americans don"t have to get up because none of us have jobs to go to because of our shitty fucking economy!
• I"ve just received news that my partner is carrying our first child.He"s eight years old,and he"s always been a lazy little bastard.
• What do you get when you put 50 lesbians in a room with 50 scousers?100 people that won"t do dick.
• Why didn"t the Leb want to marry a Kiwi?He didn"t want the kids to grow up too lazy to mug.