Lawyer jokes

• What happened when the lawyer took Viagra?He grew taller.
• If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
• A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don"t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don"t know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde"s attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What"s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The blonde doesn"t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it"s the blonde"s turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
• A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot & dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer"s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck & it fell in this field & now I"m going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property & you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand & if you don"t let me get that duck, I"ll sue you & take everything you own." The old farmer smiled & said, "Apparently, you don"t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."The lawyer asked, "What is the "Three Kick Rule"?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times & then you kick me three times & so on back & forth until one gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest & decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor & walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer"s groin & dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer"s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer"s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will & remaining strength & very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it"s my turn." The old farmer smiled & said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
• A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful Jewish lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you"ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn"t you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the director mumbled, Um...no."Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. "Or that my sister"s husband died in a car accident" the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea""So if I don"t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?"
• An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.St. Peter checks his file and says,"Ah, you"re an engineer you"re in the wrongplace."So the engineer reports to the gates of hell andis let in. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell,and starts designing and building improvements.After a while, they"ve got air conditioning andflushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer isa pretty popular guy.One day God calls Satan up on the telephone andsays , "So, how"s it going down therein hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are goinggreat. We"ve got air conditioning and flushingtoilets and escalators and there"s no telling whatthis engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? You"ve got an engineer?That"s a mistake - he should never have gottendown there; send him up here."Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineeron the staff, and I"m keeping him."God says, "Send him back up here, or I"ll sue."Satan laughs says, "Yeah,right. And just where the fuck are you going to get alawyer?"
• A Match Made in Heaven...On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven"s Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don"t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn"t work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don"t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What"s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it"s going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
• A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense"s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn"t."
• A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town"s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn"t you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister"s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer"s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don"t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
• A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres"The lawyer said, "No, you don"t understand, Do you have a suit?"The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain"t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that"s where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"The farmer said, "No, she"s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that"s why I wants me a fackin" dayvorce."
• A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It"s a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president"s office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma"am, I"m surprised you"re carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I"ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That"s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I"ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president"s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president"s balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see...... The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell"s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I"d have The Bank of Canada"s president"s balls in my hand."