Knob jokes

• I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.
• An insect falls into a mug of beerEnglishman: Throws his mug away and walks outAmerican : Takes the insect out and drinks the beerChinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer awayIndian : Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himselfPakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.
• Just got back from the World Strawberry Picking Championships. Lost in the final to a girl with no legs.Jammy cunt.
• I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for a woman,I got my knob stuck in the neck of the bottle.
• What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator.
• I was kicked off Ready, Steady, Cook.I misinterpreted the instruction "a knob of butter".
• Billy ConnelyWhat Pisses me off.........ONEPeople who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?TWOPeople who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.THREEWhen people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuckin right! What good is a cake if you can"t eat it?FOURWhen people say "it"s always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you"ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?FIVEWhen people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fuckin floor.SIXPeople who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn"t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?SEVENWhen something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it"s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it"s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.EIGHTWhen people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that"s longer?NINEWhen you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?TENPeople who say things like "My eyes aren"t what they used to be". So what did they used to be? ears,ELEVENWhen you"re eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it"s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.TWELVEPeople who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that"s an image I really didn"t need.THIRTEENMcDonalds staff who pretend they don"t understand you unless you insert the "Mc" before the item you are ordering.....It"s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I"ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser.FOURTEENWhen you involved in a accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I"ll just pick up my limbs and be offFIFTEENWhen people say "can I borrow a piece of paper i"ll pay you back" It"s one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards i don"t want it back
• My husband complained our sex life was stale and needed spicing up a bit... apparently cutting up chillis and rubbing them on his knob-end wasn"t what he had in mind.
• Mary,a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to paddy,with the parish priest."He dropped his trousers last night Father,he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before"."Sure thats only his penis Mary"."But father there"s a purple knob on it"."Thats just the head of the penis Mary"."Yeah but then Father about 16 inches back from the purple knob there"s 2 big round things.What are they Father?""Well for your sake Mary,I hope they"re the cheeks of his arse"!!!!!!!!