Knife jokes

• Have you seen those French Army Knives? No scissors or tweezers, just 6 corkscrews and a white flag.
• No wonder they complain of discrimination!A black guy staggered into a London police station with a knife in his back.He was immediately arrested for being in posession of a dangerous weapon!
• I met this beautiful blonde and we had great sex when I was in the West Indies.Jamaica?Yes, I had a knife.
• Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.Poor bastard.
• Remember when?There was no gun or knife crime.You could let your kids play outside with no fear.There were no hoodies or street scum who terrorised the neighbourhood.Old folk could collect their penisions without being mugged.And little girls would get into your car for a bag of sweets or the promise of seeing some puppies.
• I thought my friend was gay when he told me he was a "Shit Stabber"........turns out he just likes knifing niggers.
• I find it shocking that 55% of Europeans are now saying that they avoid coming to Britain through concerns over knife crime, and that each reported knife attack puts off thousands of potential migrants to the UK. Furthermore fear of knife-brandishing homeowners and "no-go areas" is forcing more and more door to door salesmen to quit and find other jobs.And there I was thinking knife crime was a BAD thing. Silly me!
• If you think London knife crime is bad, it"s not. We"ve had 200 murders in the last year where I live, here in the small English village of Midsomer.
• My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn"t do.He didn"t wipe his fingerprints off the knife.
• How do you get a retarded kid to kill himself?Give him a knife and ask him who"s special.
• Chat up line:Get your coat love......I"ve got a knife
• Not a joke this just actually happened...I walked into the kitchen, my girlfriend was drying up and thought she would try and be funny when she turned and said "I"ve got a knife and i"m not afraid to use it!" Waving the knife in my direction.I said, "Good, start peeling some potatoes I"m fucking starving."
• In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn"t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you"re wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That"s terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?" Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That"ll give you a smoother draw." The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I"m learnin" somethin" here - got anymore tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin" the piano, he"s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won"t hurt as much"