Knickers jokes

• One time you had to pull a womans knickers down to see her arse.Nowadays you have to open her arse to see her knickers.
• Why do Essex girls wear knickers?To keep their ankles warm!
• Whatever those do-gooders say, there is no such thing as rape. A girl can run a lot fucking faster with her knickers off than a man can with his trousers down.
• Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers."Since when do you wear womens pants?""Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
• I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turnoff - 500 metres". Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.
• Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can"t help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
• Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said that she couldn"t possibly wear them as they were too large. I said to her, "of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."Jack took his father"s advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said, "I can"t wear these, they"re far too large for me." "Exactly," Jack replied, "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don"t want you to ever forget that." Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on, Jack," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small."I can"t get into your knickers," said Jack.So Jill replied "Exactly, and if you don"t change your fucking attitude, you never will!"
• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman"s wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren"t you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don"t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here"s 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman"s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You"ve no knickers--why not?" She replies, "I can"t afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here"s 20 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman"s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?"She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin" money ta be able ta afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here"s a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit. "
• Two women are on their way back from a night out when they get desperate for a piss. They"re halfway through a graveyard and no one"s around so they drop their pants and go behind a couple of gravestones, the first women wipes her fanny with her knickers and the second uses a wreath.The next day the husbands are at the pub and the first one says;"I"ll have to keep an eye on my missus from now on, she went out last night and came back with no knickers on!"And the second replies;"That"s nothing, mine came home with a card wedged halfway up her arse saying "We"ll always miss you, from all the lads at the station"!"
• An Irishman is walking down the street one night when a hooker approaches him."Hey," she says "d"ya fancy a bit of this?"She lifts up her skirt to reveal crotchless knickers and her fanny."Fuck that!" says the paddy. "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?"
• When I was a little girl, me and my twin had it tough. Our mother would dress us in identical clothes.I didn"t mind too much but my twin hated it, especially when the boys used to look up his skirt to see what colour knickers he was wearing.
• A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?""No", he replies, "I"ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it."The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?""It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains."What"s it telling you now?""Well, it says you"re not wearing any knickers..."The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
• Bloke says to a girl "Can I smell your knickers?" She replies "Certainly not !" Bloke says "Must be your feet then."