Kiss jokes

• Best day of my life was when i walked down the asile towards my wife, everyone was similing, her mum had a few nice things to say, i gave her a kiss and shut the fuckin coffin!!!!!!
• A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife....
• When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.
• It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the altar, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.
• A single kiss can contain; 40,000 parasites, 250 types of bacteria and 0.45g of fat.A French Kiss is the same, but it also contains Garlic and Dog shit.
• What is the difference between a 69 and a Paki wedding?With a 69 you only have to kiss one smelly cunt.
• "Won"t you kiss me, Doctor," asks a beautiful woman."No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor."Please just one kiss," begs the woman."It"s completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn"t even really be having sex with you."
• There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it."And the Englishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I"ll make another kissing noise and slap that French cunt again."
• A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and, amongst other things, asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep."Well its quite simple, cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in."The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question."Ah, we"re with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind."Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it."Well it"s bloody awkward, see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that."The Student replies "Why don"t you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?""Fuck it from behind? How am I supposed to kiss it?"
• This isn"t sick but it"s a good stupid story to tell your mates down the pub:So I was in the pub drinking away and this guy barges straight past me knocking my damn drink all over me!So I said to him, "HEY! You! You"re gonna fight me for that."He says back, "woaaa mate relax, I"m a lover not a fighter."So I snogged him...Turns out he was a fighter...
• An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear"Give us a kiss, luv!""No!", replied the nurse"Oh go on!", said the man"No!", replied the nurse again"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?""For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn"t even be wanking you off!"