Killed jokes

• One cigarette killed my mate.He was fixing a gas leak at the time.
• Police sources say they are not seeking a black man in connection with the horrific murders of two French students by over 200 stab wounds; as they would have been raped too.
• How do you kill a bunch of retards on a bus?Put poison on the windows.
• Saw some black actor on the box last night. It was great... I kicked it out from under his feet and he jiggled on the end of the rope for a good five minutes.
• What do you call a Frenchman killed in battle?The slowest runner.
• When I was a kid my budgie died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping I wouldn"t realise.But I did and I killed that one too.
• I heard that an 87 and an 83 year old recently got married...I thought, "oh, that won"t last."
• A man rushes into a pub and orders a double-brandy.While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: "Do penguins grow this tall?""Sure..." The barman replies.The man raises his hand up to his hip: "How about this tall?""Well, maybe a king penguin, but I"m not sure..."The man hold his hand at shoulder level: "This tall?""Not a chance."The man knocks back his drink and says: "Then I just ran over a nun."
• The Unforgettable Elephant Story In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant"s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn"t help wondering if this was the same elephant.Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dans legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.Probably wasn"t the same elephant!
• What"s the difference between Father Christmas and a Jew?Father Christmas goes down the chimney.
• Is there life after death?Of course there is.I killed my wife.And I"m still here.