Kill jokes

• How do you stop a clown from laughing?Hit it in the face with an axe.
• 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you
• When is it socially acceptable to kill a muslim?ASAP.
• How do you kill a bunch of retards on a bus?Put poison on the windows.
• Blunt knives are pointless.
• My mother always said I had my father in me.And he was the one who always threatened to kill me if I ever told her.
• My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
• Sad news reports are coming in that a whale, stranded on an English sandbank today, had to be put down despite a massive rescue attempt.Still, they were pretty fucking daft to try to pick it up in the first place.
• What do you do if you run over a chav?Reverse, just to make sure.
• My wife said to me today "Did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?"Yes", I replied, "but a gun is easier to conceal."
• Almost all serial killers are men. That"s because women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.
• Why should you never run over a chav on a bike?It"s probably your bike.
• I"m now the dad of a healthy 8lb baby boy...my wife"s going to kill me when she finds out.