Kid jokes

• I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
• When I was eleven, two paedophiles lived on the same street as me.They used to give me the willies.
• When I die, I want to die doing what I love doing most.The Neighbours Child.
• I took my kids to the National Space Centre today.There was fuck all there.
• Where do you send Jewish kids with A.D.D.?To concentration camps.
• I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance."Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, so I thought, "Fuck it. I could win that!"
• A policeman came up to me yesterday and said, "so, where were you between four and six?"I said, "fucking Primary School."
• A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he"s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he"s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher.""That"s right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let"s get fish and chips, then I"ll buy you that bike you"ve been asking for.""Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
• A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man, and says, "Excuse me sir, I"m conducting a survey, and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I"ve got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I"m bathing the kids."
• Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, "Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.""But mum" wailed the child, "There"s no one to play with.""OK," said the mother wearily, "I"ll play with you. What do you want to play?""Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed." So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father"s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,"Now what do I do?" The boy answered, "Get your ass out of bed you whore and fix that kid some fucking ice cream!"
• I entered the Young Musician of the Year last week.He didn"t half scream.
• I work as an in-store security guard and get to watch the cameras in the changing rooms.I"m really looking forward to next week: the "Back to School" range is in.
• A small boy goes into the kitchen one day and run up to his mum. "Mummy, mummy, Grandma"s got a prawn between her legs!""Pardon, darling?""Grandma"s got a prawn between her legs!""Okay, show me"They both walk into the living room, where they find Grandma fast asleep and looking very pleased. Her knickers are missing and her skirt has ridden up so that nothing is left to the imagination."See Mummy? A prawn," says the little boy, pointing between his gran"s splayed legs."No, darling that"s something special women have.""But Mummy," says the little boy, looking confused. "It tasted like a prawn."