Kick jokes

• I swept this bird off her feet today.Roundhouse kick to the tits usually does it.
• In order to promote safe sex the Welsh have started painting the legs of sheep that kick.
• A Muslim friend of mine was asking me if I knew anyone that could convert him. I said I could do it for him if he was interested and he practically jumped at the chance.So I took him to the local rugby ground and kicked him over the bar
• When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.Jane explained to him what sex was.Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the cunt. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?""Tarzan check for bees."
• Girls:If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don"t call the RSPCA...He"s just not very good at predictive text.
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• What is the difference between a football and a three year old?You don"t feel the urge to kick footballs in Tesco.
• A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.""Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.""""That must have hurt,"" said the judge.""No kidding,"" said the best man. ""I broke three of my fingers.""