Judge jokes

• The Judge looked at the jury in disbelief,"How could you possibly find this man not guilty"? he asked"Insanity your honour" "What......all fucking 12 of you"?
• A bloke is in court accused of having sex with dogs , the judge says "This is disgusting, how low can you go? and the bloke says "A Chiuahua"
• "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week." "That"s very fair, your honour." the husband said "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few quid myself!".
• My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, "that"s amazing how the hell did he know all that?" My dad replied, "the judge told him."
• The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You"re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You"re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I"ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I"m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I"ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn"t have one."
• A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself. The defendant mutters, "fuck all.""What did you say?" asks the judge. The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "fuck all", your honour.""Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
• Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I"d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.I want you to go out his weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.I"ll see you back in court Monday".Monday , the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.""17 people? That"s wonderful. What did you tell them?""I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this..... O o ... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.""That"s admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? " the judge asked the second guy." Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That"s amazing! How did you manage to do that?" asked the judge. " Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles).... o O"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison......(pointing to the big circle) "this is your asshole in prison!"
• Mickey and Mini Mouse are in court. The Judge says "Mickey, you can"t get a divorce because you claim Mini crashed her new spaceship!". Mickey shouts "I never said that, I said that she keeps fucking going down on Pluto".
• This judge once sentenced me for breaking and entering. I said, "I didn"t do it."The judge said, "you were caught with burglar tools in your possession."I said, "in that case you can send me down for rape."He said, "did you really rape someone?"I said, "no, but I had the tools on me."
• Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked."They"re people just like you - your equals.""Forget it," retorted the defendant, "I don"t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."