Johnny jokes

• One day little Johnny needed to use the bathroom really bad, so he rushed on in. At the same time his mom was getting out of the shower, and he looked down to see her hairy bush. Little Johnny pointed and asked "What is that?" The mom thought for a second and replied "Thats my ummmmm, black sponge." Johnny was satisfied with this answer, used the bathroom, and left.The next day the mother was washing the dishes when Johnny came running up to her, "Mommy mommy can I see your black sponge again?" Thrown off by this the mother replied "Ummmm no, I lost it just a little while ago." Johnny was again satisfied with this answer and went out to play. About an hour later Johnny came running back into the house screaming, "Mommy mommy I found your black sponge." The mother was shocked and replied, " Really.....where?" Johnny pointed outside "Mrs. Johnson the next door neighbor lady is cleaning daddys face with it."
• Teacher to class... " Today children we will be doing farmyard impressions, would you like to start Mary ? "Mary " The cows all go Mooooooooo miss ! "" Very good Mary, and what about you Billy ? "Billy " The Sheep all go Baaaaaaaa Baaaaaaa miss "" Very good Billy, and Johnny do you know a farmyard impression ? "Johnny " Yes miss, Oi get orf that fucking tractor ! "
• Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux?"Yes, Father it is.""And who was the woman you were with?"Johnny says, "I can"t tell you, Father. I don"t want to ruin her reputation.""Well, Johnny, I"m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?""I cannot say.""Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?""I"ll never tell.""Was it Nina Olivier?""I"m sorry but I cannot name her.""Was it Cathy Prejean?""My lips are sealed.""Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?""Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you."The priest sighs in frustration. "You"re very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you"ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What"d you get?"Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
• Little Johnny comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He said that he played football and then he proposed to his friend Emily. His parents think this is really sweet and don"t want to make fun of Little Johnny, so they ask him, "how are you both going to pay for the expenses of being married?""Well, with the £5 I get each week from you and the 50p she gets from her Mum and Dad, we should be okay."His father says, "that"s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you have a baby?"Little Johnny answers, "well, so far - touch wood - we"ve been lucky..."
• The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny replies "The feet miss" So the teacher says "Why the feet?" Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting "Oh my God I"m coming""
• Colin and Johnny McRae, together with a couple of sleeping bags and a tent are about to leave their house.Colin shouts up to his wife whose still in bed"Don"t wait up for us, we"re gonna crash in the woods tonight!"
• During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?"Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go piss, bitch."The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the lav. I"ll be right back.""That"s better, but it"s still not very nice to say the word lav at the dinner tableAnd you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you"ll get to meet after dinner."The teacher fainted.
• Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.She says, "Hello class, I"m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter.""That"s right!" she coaxed.Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
• Little Billy was very pleased at his excellent scores on his tests. His father said he would get something nice for Billy. Billy asked for a new bike, his old one was too small for him.Billy"s father said: "Can you touch your ass with your cock?""Of course not" replied Billy, surprised at what his father had asked him to do."Ok, you can"t have the bike then" said Billy"s father.15 years later Billy won the lottery, a Jackpot of over $50M. Billy"s father asked Billy: "Seeing as you"re so rich now, can i have $1M from you please?" Billy was about to say yes, when he thought back to his childhood days of when he wanted a bike.."Can you touch your ass with your cock" said Billy."Of course i can" said Billy"s father."Ok, go fuck yourself" replied Billy.
• One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.""Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny."Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, fucking beautiful!""