Job jokes

• What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?A polar bear.
• I used to think that being a gynaecologist must be the best job in the world.....until I read about Jade Goody.
• I work for the Samaritans. I tried to call in sick this morning but the fuckers talked me out of it.
• Bored? Broke?Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?Then get a fucking job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard.
• I was sacked from my job today after i was caught having sex with one of my clients.Apparently I will never work in a nursery again.
• The Police have come up with a new scheme in Liverpool to disperse rioters.They will fly overhead with a helicopter and drop Job Application Forms.
• About 200,000 workers were due to go on strike in Scotland today. Do that many Scots really have jobs?
• How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house?Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies"
• I got sacked from work the other day for being caught on the loo for an hour and a half on CCTV. I tried explaining to the boss that, if he had what I had, then he would also be on the loo for one and a half hours too. He said, "what have you got?"I said, "The Daily Star, News of the World, and the Guardian."
• How come the movie "White Men Can"t Jump" isn"t racist, yet, when I try to make a movie called "Black Men Can"t Get Jobs," I get called a racist?
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...Blonde: I"m not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.The next day...Brunette: How"s your throat?Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn"t believe it was your idea!
• A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?""Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied."Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.The boy answered, "Sir, there"s nothing but whores and footballers there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex.""No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
• A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I"m looking for a job."The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We"ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You"ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year."The scouser said, "You"re bullshitting me!"The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you bloody started it."
• "In this job we need someone who is responsible," said an employer to a prospective employee."I"m your man," replied the potential employee. "On my last job, every time things went wrong, they said I was responsible".
• A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I"m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!""Sorry. I didn"t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says."It"s not your fault," replies the cabbie."Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
• A black man is talking to his mate about his move to England"You know, I could have gone anywhere in de world when I left Africa. I could have gone to sunny California, or stylish Paris, but y"know what made me choose Britain?" He continued, "the BNP". "Seriously man, they said that these immigrants were getting all the best jobs and stealing all the women..."
• My wife"s gone out tonight with her mates from work. She"s left me a long list of jobs that need to be done around the house. I"ve just had a quick read through the list and I reckon, if she"s not back too late, she should be able to make a start.
• I"m a great supporter of feminism; the sooner women can do our jobs for us the better.
• All her life, my daughter"s said she wanted to work with animals when she left school.Ungrateful bitch threw a wobbly when I got her a job in the local abattoir!
• Did you hear about the two black guys who appeared on Ripley"s Believe It Or Not? They both had jobs.