Jesus jokes

• Jesus told us to love everybody.He never said it had to be consensual.
• Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.
• A new scientific study reveals that Jesus was actually a Mexican:- he was born in a barn- he walked around always wearing flip-flops- if he ever did anything, it was a miracle
• Christmas is shit. Whoever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
• Jesus to the left of me, Moses to the right!Here I am, stuck in the middle of Jews.
• Jesus said to Peter "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster!
• One evening a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord. A hot blonde suddenly came in and the priest asked her, "what can I do for you, my child?"The blonde immediately jumped on him and said, "I want you now! Take me!""I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed. "Fuck me now," she said, "fuck me hard up the ass!"The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse revealing a pair of huge tits."But, my child, you are in the house of the Lord!" the priest desperately replied. "I don"t care, take this horny virgin now you sexy son of a bitch!" the blonde exclaimed finally. The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and, looking up to the Lord, he cried "Jesus Christ, help me - what should I do?""DON"T JUST STAND THERE YOU STUPID IDIOT, GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING CROSS!" he replied.
• I know this guy who has a Paki for a neighbour. His name is Mohammed Islam. I mean, for fuck"s sake, it"s like calling your kid Jesus Christianity
• Why wasn"t Christ born in America?They couldn"t find three wise men and a virgin.
• Jesus once said, "Love thy neighbour."Bet he didn"t live on a fucking council estate.
• If we"re all God"s children, then what"s so special about Jesus?
• What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?"Don"t touch my fucking Easter eggs, I"ll be back on Monday."
• An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser are in a bar and spot Jesus drinking on his own.They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly.When he"s finished he walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guiness. "Fuck me, my arthritis has gone!"Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. "Fucking hell mate, my bad back"s cured!"Jesus approaches the Scouser who runs away screaming, "Fuck off, you cunt - I"m on disability benefit."
• Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands!
• Jesus is coming, but he pulled out.
• How much does Jesus love you? *Spread arms and look mopey* This much.
• Jesus must have been an ethiopian... Who else could feed 5000 people on 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread?!