Italian jokes

• How do you grease a Fiat?Run over two Italians!
• The Top Three Benefits Of Being Deaf:1. You never need to worry about finding a quiet place to read.2. Yes, people may be shouting insults at you behind your back, but who cares?3. You can communicate efficiently with Italians.
• A Jew, an Italian, and a Greek are riding in a car. The car slides off the road, crashing into a tree, killing all three of them. The next thing they know, they are all standing in front of God in heaven. God says to the Italian, “All you ever cared about was stuffing your face with pizza and pasta. But I’m willing to give you another chance; the next time you walk into a pizzeria, I’m sending you straight to hell!” Then he turns to the Greek and says, “ All you ever cared about was your orgies and your wild sex parties. But I’m willing to give you another chance; The next time you perform anal sex, you’re going straight to hell!” Then he says to the Jew, “All you ever were concerned with was saving money and digging around everywhere for loose change. But I’m willing to give you another chance; the next time you pick up a penny off the ground, I’m sending you straight to hell!” So the next thing they know they are all standing on the sidewalk. They start walking down the street and they pass a pizzeria. The Italian looks in the window and says, “Oh that pizza smells so good, I just got to have one slice!” He runs through the door and POOF! He disappears. The Greek and Jew walk down the street and the Jew notices a penny on the sidewalk. He thinks to himself, “Oh, look at that penny! I just got to have it!” He bends over to pick it up and POOF! the Greek disappears.
• A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "we have the Coliseum."The Greek says, "we had great mathematicians."The Italian says, "we had the Roman Empire."And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "we invented sex."The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "that is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."
• A woman goes to Italy to attend a two-week company training session.Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.The wife answers, "thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?"The husband laughs and says, "an Italian girl!"The woman kept quiet and left.Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks, "so, honey, how was the trip?""Very good, thank you.""And what happened to my present?""Which present?" she asked."The one I asked for - an Italian girl!""Oh, that", she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!"
• The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest."Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That"s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest."It"s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man."Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest."Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That"s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
• A classic, no doubt you"ve seen it before, but here goes:In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the AmericanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the FrenchmanHe has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the FrenchmanHe has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the FrenchmanHe has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the FrenchmanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
• "Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?""If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly."Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?""Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?The assistant said: "Well, no.""And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?""What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?""Well no, I probably wouldn"t" conceded the assistant.The Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I"m Irishjust because I asked for Irish sausages?"The assistant replied: "Because you"re in fucking Homebase"
• A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I"m Norwegian."
• An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
• A bus stops and an Italian man gets on. He sits down, fetches out his mobile and starts a very animated conversation. "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." An old lady behind the man is furious at hearing such filth."You foul-mouthed wop! " snaps the lady. "In this country we don"t talk about our sex lives in public!" "Heya you old bitch!" says the man. "Who talkin" abouta sexa? I"m a justa tellin" my frienda how to spell Mississippi..."
• Liverpool FC have made two new signings - a Japanese lad and an Italian. Rafa Benitez says they should fit in well with Liverpool"s style.Their names?Nickamotor and Robatelli.
• A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck"s one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "well, we have the Parthenon."Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "we have the Coliseum."The Greek retorts, "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "but we built the Roman Empire"And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!"The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"