Irishman jokes

• How does an Irishman catch a rabbit?Hides behind a tree and makes a noise like a lettuce!
• An Irishman walks into work with both ears bandaged up.The boss says, "What the hell happened to your ears?"He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shit! I accidentally answered the iron."The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"He says, "Well, I had to call the fucking doctor!"
• A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, shite!"
• I was stood in the post office queue this morning waiting to be served when a Englishman a Scottsman and an Irishman pushed in front of me I said "Hoy f*@kers is this some sort of a joke?"
• I went into a pub the other day. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two Asians, an African man, and two homosexuals.... didn"t stay long.
• An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub."I can"t believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we"ve been together 15 years and today I found out she"s been having an affair with a builder.""How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask."I found a box of tools under the bed.""Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife"s been having an affair with a milkman.""How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask."I found a crate of milk under the bed.""You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I"ve just found out the wife was having an affair with a fokkin horse!"The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?""I found a jockey hiding under the bed."
• An Irishman is walking down the street one night when a hooker approaches him."Hey," she says "d"ya fancy a bit of this?"She lifts up her skirt to reveal crotchless knickers and her fanny."Fuck that!" says the paddy. "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?"
• An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".""Okay, you"ve got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi. "What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"The Englishman says, "fucking shoot me first".
• An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y"ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there"s a wee bar called McTavish"s. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.""Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two.""Ahhh, that"s nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there"s O"Driscoll"s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they"ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you"ve had enough drinks, they"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.""Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?""Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"
• When"s the best time to sell an Irishman land?When the tide"s out.
• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all sentenced for ten years each for their part in a robbery.However, they are allowed to take a lot of one thing only in with them."I think I"ll take books." says the Englishman."I think I"ll take me" some booze." says the Scotman."I"ll take me" some cigarettes." says Paddy, the Irishman.Ten years later they are released from prison.The Englishman comes out a genius, from reading all of his books for ten years.The Scotsman comes out an alcoholic, with liver failure, from drinking all his booze.Paddy comes out and asks desperately, "Anyone got a light!??"
• I"ll tell you a fact now, 1898, an Irishman invented the toilet seat. 1899, an Englishman put a hole in it.