Irish jokes

• A big row broke out yesterday in the Irish synchronised diving team in Beijing.Paddy says Mick was copying him.
• How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?None
• An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see Closed For The Winter.
• Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
• Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night.She lies on the bed, spread-eagled, naked, and says, "Paddy....you know what I want.....""Yeah....the whole fucking bed by the looks of it!"
• Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy"s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da" sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!""I"ll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what"s the use of fookin" one?"
• What"s the difference between God and Bono?God doesn"t wander around Dublin thinking he"s Bono.
• Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family.Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George"s Day so I called him George!""What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!""Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That"s fucking amazing!, wait "til I go home and tell our Pancake!!!
• There"s an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter"s room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn"t even know she smoked."The Scotsman says, "that"s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter"s room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn"t even know she drank." With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter"s room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn"t even know she had a cock."
• Muslim fundamentalists have got to be the shitest terrorists in history.Even the fuckin" Irish worked out you could walk away from a bomb before it blows up!
• A classic, no doubt you"ve seen it before, but here goes:In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the AmericanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the FrenchmanHe has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the FrenchmanHe has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the FrenchmanHe has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the FrenchmanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman