Illness jokes

• Whats the difference between Jade Goody and an Elephant?Cancer
• Did you hear about the leper that got divorced?He was in pieces
• What do you call 10 spastics lying on top of each other in a pile?A vegetable rack.
• Do you know what really makes me sick?Bulimia.
• I used some of that quick drying wood stain the other day and, like they say, it did exactly what it said on the tin.It caused nausea and vomiting when ingested!
• My gran used to have terrible arthritis leaving her completely crippled. She used to drink 1 litre of olive oil a day to try and combat it.Did it work? No, but you should have seen how quick the cremation went.
• My therapist says that I"ve got a preoccupation with vengeance; we"ll see about that...
• I was in the shopping centre this morning when a man approached me, collecting for Alzhiemer"s.I said, "I"ve already given - don"t you remember?"
• A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful Jewish lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you"ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn"t you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the director mumbled, Um...no."Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. "Or that my sister"s husband died in a car accident" the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea""So if I don"t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?"
• A man goes to see the doctor complaining he has an orange cock. The doctor asks him to flop it out so he can have a look to see what the trouble is. The man duly gets his cock out for the doctor and, sure enough, it"s bright orange.The doctor is amazed by this and tells the man he has never seen anything like it before and asks him when he last had had sex?"Never," says the man, "I"m a virgin and live on my own"."Does anyone else in your family have this affliction?" asks the doc."Not that I"m aware of" replies the man."Do you work with any strong chemicals?" queries the doctor."No, I"m unemployed" states the man."Really," says the doctor, "what do you do all day, then?"The man replies, "I sit at home watching porn films eating Wotsits."
• For years I dreamt of getting my hands on Christina Applegate"s tits.Now, thanks to breast cancer and eBay, I"ve got a chance!
• What"s yellow and looks good on the French?The advanced stages of cancer.
• What"s the difference between AIDS and cancer?When you have cancer you still get visitors.