Idiot jokes

• Why do midgets laugh when they run?Because the grass tickles their balls
• What is the difference between a midget and a freak?Political correctness
• My ex-girlfriend tried to make me jealous by sucking off a midget.To be honest, I thought it was a bit of a low blow.
• Like ThisHow do you confuse an American?
• According to the papers, Michael Jackson is depressed. Of course he is - the fucking kids have gone back to school.
• Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Renault van ran out of petrol.When asked how he could devise such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
• Why should you never shag a midget with learning difficulties?It"s not big and it"s not clever.
• A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that"s a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
• There are three mums - a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says, "Oh my gosh, I went through my daughter"s purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"They comfort her and the redhead says, "Yes, well I found a fake I. D. in my daughter"s purse. I cannot believe she has one." So they all comfort her.Then the blonde says, "That"s nothing, I found a condom in my daughter"s purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis."
• We went to the cinema the other night. I sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started working her way out."Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "couldn"t you have done this a little earlier?""No!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELLPHONE, PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
• A guy bursts into a library and walks up to the book counter and shouts, "PINT OF LAGER, PLEASE, BARMAID!"Shocked, the librarian replies, "I"m sorry sir but this is a library!"Realising his mistake, the guy whispers very quietly, "sorry... pint of lager, please, barmaid."
• True Story:Fat American in front of me at a cafe in Miami Airport..."Hey Ma"am, how much is the Coke?""Two dollars for small, three-fifty for large - as many refills as you like Sir""Oh my - err - large please."FUCKING IDIOT
• This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organisation for "Termination without Cause."Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"Caller: "Yes, well, I"m having trouble with WordPerfect."CS: "What sort of trouble?"C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."CS: "Went away?"C: "They disappeared."CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"C: "Nothing."CS: "Nothing?"C: "It"s blank; it won"t accept anything when I type."CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"C: "How do I tell?"CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"C: "What"s a sea-prompt?"CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"C: "There isn"t any cursor, I told you, it won"t accept anything I type."CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"C: "What"s a monitor?"CS: "It"s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it"s on?"C: "I don"t know."CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"C: "Yes, I think so."CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it"s plugged into the wall."C: ".......Yes, it is."CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"C: "No."CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."C: ".......Okay, here it is."CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it"s plugged securely into the back of your computer.""I can"t reach."CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"C: "No."CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"C: "Oh, it"s not because I don"t have the right angle - it"s because it"s dark."CS: "Dark?"C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."C: "I can"t."CS: "No? Why not?"C: "Because there"s a power outage."CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we"ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."C: "Really? Is it that bad?"CS: "Yes, I"m afraid it is."C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"CS: "Tell them you"re too stupid to own a computer."