Husband jokes

• What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?........ A Widow
• Wedding rings:The worlds smallest handcuffs.
• A man says to his wife, "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."His wife replies, "you"ve got a bigger dick than your brother."
• This prisoner escapes after 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he"s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He"s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn"t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don"t resist, don"t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he"ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "he wasn"t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."
• A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin"?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he"s been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He"s on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he"d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She"s in the Ladies" Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave"s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
• A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...Blonde: I"m not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.The next day...Brunette: How"s your throat?Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn"t believe it was your idea!
• A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it"s shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
• A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don"t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT?"The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can"t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don"t even play tennis but, okay, if you like it then let"s get it."The wife is jumping up and down, she"s so excited - she cannot believe what is going on. She says, "I"m ready to go, let"s go to the cash register."The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we"re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife"s face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while"Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
• At the World Women"s Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year"s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."The crowd cheered.The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year"s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."The crowd cheered.The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year"s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
• Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven"s getting pretty close to full today, and I"ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what"s your story?"The first man replies: "Well, for a while I"ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn"t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn"t you know it, he wouldn"t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn"t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn"t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It"s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn"t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I"m here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I"m hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
• I thought I was getting Alzheimer"s until I found out that every time I fell asleep my wife was moving the bookmark forward 20 pages.Still I got her back by making her think she"s incontinent. Every time she falls asleep I piss on her lap.
• Middle-aged woman looks in the mirror. "God, I look old, fat and ugly," she says to her hubby, "pay me a compliment, dear."Hubby says, "your fucking eyesight"s good!"