House jokes

• A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, “Get out, old man! This is my barn now!”“Tell you what,” says the old rooster. “I’ll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.”The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away.“Darn it,” says the farmer. “That’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month!”
• What do you call a chav in a tastefully decorated house? A burglar.
• A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife....
• When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.
• Been doing some D.I.Y. around the house.So I rang the local council to ask can I have a skip outside my house.The bloke from the council said "you can cart wheel round the fucking block for all I care".
• I"ve just bought this Austrian girl"s diary off ebay. It"s not very interesting, it just says:Monday: Stayed inTuesday: Stayed inWednesday: Stayed in...
• Mr Khan and Mr Jones live next door to each other in identical houses. Their homes are valued by an estate agent. Mr Khan"s house is worth £200,000 - while Mr Jones" is worth £150,000.Mr Jones asks the estate agent, "why this is?"The estate agent replies, "simple: Mr Khan dosen"t have a Paki living next door."
• I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn"t true.
• Me and my wife are driving along the Motorway doing 55 mph. She looks over at me and says, "I know we"ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." I say nothing but slowly increase the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don"t want you to try to talk me out of it, I"ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he"s a much better lover than you." Again I stay quiet and just speed up as my anger increases.She says, "I want the house." I speed up again, and I"m now doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." I just keep driving faster and faster, now up to 80mph. She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too." I slowly start to veer toward a concrete bridge pillar as she enquires, "Is there anything you want?"So I respond with, "no thanks, I"ve got everything I need." She asks, "what"s that then?"Just before we hit the wall at 90 mph I say, "I"ve got the airbag."
• I don"t usually watch these sort of programmes on TV, but today I thought I"d give it a go.Basically, I"ve just sat for two hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, gay, bisexual, perverted, drunken and blind morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality.They spend all day lounging around the house without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public.And at the end of this brain numbing bullshit, I was still no closer to deciding who I should vote for....Labour or Conservative?
• I"ve just sold my house for £250,000.........the council are going to go fucking mental.
• A Jew goes to visit his Jewish mate.He finds him stripping the walls of wallpaper."Doing a bit of renovating then, are you?" he asks."No, we"re moving house", says his mate.