Hotel jokes

• There was a girl knocking on my hotel door all night last night......I finally let her out.
• Went to check into a hotel the other day. I asked for a suite with a view and the smart arse gave me a polo mint !
• What do you call a Hotel without windows?A fucking DOS house.
• I stayed in a Turkish hotel: it overlooked the sea. Unfortunately, it also overlooked hygiene, good service and edible meals.
• I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."Unbelievable what some people are into.
• I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.Next morning, she rang and said, "what are you doing with your life?"
• Jesus walks into a hotel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
• A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance."Yes" he said. "I"d like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?"The woman said, "That sounds really good and I"d like to oblige, but if you press 9 first you"ll get an outside line."
• A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite."Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist."Only one," replies the groom. "She won"t take it up the arse."
• A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma"am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you"ll forgive me."She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I"m in room 436."
• I"ve just got back from holiday. The hotel we stopped at was absolutely fantastic. The towels were so soft and fluffy, I could hardly close my suitcase.
• A clergyman was staying overnight in a hotel.Before he went to sleep for the night, he had a read of the Bible.He was awoken next morning by the maid, with a cup of tea.He said to the maid, "fancy a quick shag my dear?"The maid said, "but you"re a man of the cloth, that can"t be right!"He said, "it"s all right dear, it says so in the Bible!"She hopped into bed with the reverend gentleman and they did a bit of horizontal jogging.When it was over, the maid got out of the bed and said, "I"d like you to show me the passage in the Bible, where it says it"s alright".The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon s Bible and opened the cover.Someone had written in there, "ask the maid if she fancies a shag, she usually does!"
• A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it"s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren"t worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.The manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "but we didn"t use it!"The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and hands it to the manager. "But sir," the manager says, "this cheque is only made out for $100.""That"s right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.""What! I didn"t sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager."Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."