Hooker jokes

• What does a hooker have at the end of her shift?A box full of assorted creams.
• A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance."Yes" he said. "I"d like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?"The woman said, "That sounds really good and I"d like to oblige, but if you press 9 first you"ll get an outside line."
• Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he"d jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she"d shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He"d run by and she"d yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He"d yell back, "Five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman"s street corner, Prince Charles realised she"d bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he"d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he"d better have a good explanation for his wife. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute"s eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
• What is the difference between a hooker and a banana?A banana doesn"t scream when you peel the skin off.
• A woman gets into a taxi with her 8 year old kid.The driver takes them through a red light district.The kid asks his Mum, "Why are all those ladies standing shivering in the street?"Blushing, his mum replies, "They"re all waiting for taxis to take them to a party."Abdul the driver chips in, "Tell the kid the truth lady: they"re all drug crazed hookers who get down for a dog if the price is right."The kid asks his Mum, "Do these ladies have children?"The Mum replies, "Yes dear, they grow up to be taxi drivers."
• A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I"ve got a special game for you. I"ll do absolutely anything you want for £300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?". He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays six fifty pound notes on the bar and says slowly: "Paint... My... House."
• A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".He says "That"s alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".
• What"s the difference between a Paki and an onion?I cry when I cut onions.
• A guy goes to Moscow on business, the first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room. Being a hooker he"s not expecting much, but as they"re going at it she starts moaning, he starts pumping for all he"s worth and she starts squealing. he"s really getting into it now, banging like the proverbial shithouse door and she starts screaming. Afterwards, she"s shattered, she drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says "Mushka, Mushka". "She must have loved that and is telling me well done" the guys thinks.Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf, the Russian tees off first, he hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot. Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says "Mushka, Mushka".The Russian looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
• An Irishman is walking down the street one night when a hooker approaches him."Hey," she says "d"ya fancy a bit of this?"She lifts up her skirt to reveal crotchless knickers and her fanny."Fuck that!" says the paddy. "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?"
• Two Jewish blokes, Gerry and Sam, find a prostitute and, being Jewish, they don"t want to spend much money, so they ask the hooker if she will have them both for a fiver. The hooker says no, but she will fuck them both for six quid, so they go back to her apartment.Gerry sits on the sofa while Sam goes first. The prostitute gets on top and starts riding away.After a minute the prostitute says, "Come on, faster, faster, I"ll knock a couple of quid off." So Sam fucks her faster. A minute later she says, "come on, harder,harder, I"ll knock another couple of quid off." So Sam fucks her harder. Then she says, "come on, harder and faster, I"ll knock another couple off quid off." So he bangs her harder and faster. Just then Gerry jumps off the sofa and screams, "go on sam, go for the profit, go for the profit!"