Honeymoon jokes

• Fuck me. Honeymooners and Binge Drinkers alike are set to flock to Antigua after the recent murders. According to reports, the shots go straight to your head.
• The event made headlines news in the local paper."Man of 80 marries Girl of 21."The couple held a press conference after their honeymoon."How often do you have sex?" shouted the Journalists."Nearly every night!" replied the man."Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, Wednesday..."
• A couple on their honeymoon are just preparing to get into bed together when the wife says to the hubby, "darling I have a confession to make to you, I used to be a hooker."The husband thought for a moment and said, "actually, I find that a bit of a turn on, tell me about it."She replied, "well, my name was Graham and I played for Wigan."
• Catherine Mullany got shot on her honeymoon.Her friends describe her as an amazing woman.My definition of amazing would include "bulletproof".
• A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite."Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist."Only one," replies the groom. "She won"t take it up the arse."
• A couple are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary and manage to book the very same resort, even hotel room, that they used on their honeymoon.Deciding to give her husband a little treat, the wife slips off into the bathroom while hubby"s watching TV to slip on the negligee that she wore that first night together.She opens the bathroom door, and her husband looks over. "What were you thinking 25 years ago, darling?" she asks."I was thinking," he replies, "that I"m going to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."She smiles. "And now?"He replies, "I"m thinking I did a pretty good job of it."
• A newly married couple go to Tunisia for their honeymoon. One day, as they"re wandering through a market the couple find themselves invited into a shop selling slippers. They have a look at the wares but can"t see anything they like. Just as they"re about to leave, Abdul the shopkeeper takes down a pair of slippers from the top shelf."Please sir," he says, "before you go you must try on these special slippers. They have the magical power to increase your sex drive. If you put these on you will be insatiable. You will never tire of the sexual act."The couple are dubious, but to humour Abdul the man takes off his shoes and tries on the slippers. Immediately the man"s eyes bulge out of their sockets! He gives a great roar, rips off his shorts, bends Abdul over a chair and starts tearing off his robes."No, no!" shouts Abdul. "Wrong feet, wrong feet!!"
• A hotel porter is looking through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite."Look at her, she"s enjoying that," he whispered to a passing maid.She takes a peek."Wow, I wish my boyfriend did that to me more," she whispered back.A waiter hears and comes to join in the fun. He has a quick look."Incredible," he says, "and last night he had the nerve to complain about a hair in his soup..."
• I work as a travel agent, and today a young couple asked me to suggest a good place for a honeymoon.I said, "Antigua: it"s a beautiful island, the scenery is out of this world, honestly...you"ll be blown away."
• A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide.One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing."Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren"t you newly-weds supposed to be into something else?""Yes, but she"s got gonorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish"A few hours later, "I understand, but that"s not the only way to have sex." "I know, but she"s got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..." The following day: "Sure, but that"s still not the only way to have sex.""Yeah, but she"s got pyorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..."Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I"m not sure why you"d marry someone with health problems like that.""It"s "cause she"s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."
• Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He"s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to the council to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I"d like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is for a dog." He said he didn"t care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don"t understand. I"ve had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don"t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don"t care what you do." I said, "Look, you don"t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don"t understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that digital telly is all over the place, it"s no big deal anymore."When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn"t a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said "That"s not unusual. It happens to a lot of people."Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A policeman came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o"clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.