Home jokes

• I was walking home last night when some chav jumped out and drew a knife on me. The little fucker used permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash off.
• How do you know if a Korean has been in your house?Your PC is warm, your homework is done, and your dog is missing.
• I came home yesterday and found that my wife had discovered my private camcorder collection and was watching one of them.She looked really shocked and I was really angry. So I ruined it for her and told her the little girl dies at the end.
• The other day my friend told me he had sex with his teacher.This was fine, until he told me he was home tutored.
• What do you call a Redneck girl who keeps running away from home?A virgin.
• I would never divorce my wife,I love my house too much
• A Paki was flying home to see his family.He went to the ticket office but found out he was a pound short for his ticket, so he went up to a guy and said, "excuse me please, I need one pound so I may go home to Pakistan."The guy gives him ten quid and says, "here you go, take nine of your mates with you."
• If you think nobody cares whether you"re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
• I came home last week and said to the wife, "I"ve heard the milkman has slept with every woman in this street but one."She replied, "God, I bet it"s that stuck up bitch from number 20!"
• This old bloke goes into an old folks home because he keeps falling over and his son can"t keep his eye on him all the time. On his first day in the home, a female nurse comes along to give him a wash and she notices he has a slight erection. With that, she gives him a blow job.He gets straight on the phone to his son, telling him that he just got a gobble and what a wonderful place it was.The following, day he"s walking down a corridor and he falls over - suddenly, from behind, a male nurse gives him one up the arse.He gets straight on the phone to his son again and says "get me out of here, a male nurse just banged me up the arse."His son says, "look, dad, so you took one up the arse - you got a blow job yesterday, you have to take the rough with the smooth."The old bloke says, "fuck off, I get a hard on three times a year but I fall over three times a fucking day."
• I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bloke. The bloke said, "Its my last copy mate".I said, "Lucky you! You"ll get home early tonight then"