Holiday jokes

• When I came home from holiday I had such a good tan....I thought I was going to rob my own house.
• Police in Redditch have found the body of missing James Hughes in a suitcase in his garden. Do you think Gerry & Kate McCann were packing for their holidays?
• The last time I went on holiday, I got through six Jeffery Archer novels. I must remember to take more toilet paper in future.
• An English guy sits in a bar on the Reeperbahn in Hamburg eyeing up a beautiful German bird.After a few beers he plucks up the courage to speak to her."Do you speak English?""Some""How much?""300 Euro."
• What"s the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with.
• What"s the plus side of a costly spring family holiday in Portugal?A cheaper Christmas
• God decided he needed a holiday.One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," said God, "I went there 10,000 years ago and suffered from the most terrible sunburn."Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied, "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my holy arse off."A third advisor suggested Earth. "That"s the worst suggestion yet!" remarked God, angrily. "I went there 2,000 years ago and they"re still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!"
• What"s the difference between Madeleine McCann and a tan?A tan doesn"t disappear until after the holiday.
• I"ve just got back from holiday. The hotel we stopped at was absolutely fantastic. The towels were so soft and fluffy, I could hardly close my suitcase.
• What"s worse than leaving your three-year-old and your twin two-year-olds at home alone?Having Mr and Mrs. Mccann take them on holiday.
• Last time I went on holiday, I flew with BA.I won"t be doing that again, all he kept saying was, "I ain"t getting on no plane."
• What"s worse than having the McCanns take your kids on holiday?Colin McRae taking them in his chopper.