Hole jokes

• Apparently today is the day we could get sucked into a black hole...Please let it be Rihanna or Alicia Keys.
• My girlfriend said she wants me to fuck her up every hole this weekend.Anyone know how to get to Bradford?
• What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?A Seatbelt!
• My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....I think he meant well.
• A lot of people seem to be worried about this hadron collider business, saying that these black holes that will be made are dangerous. In my opinion I think that these holes for black people are a great idea, for they will clear the streets of crime, making the world a much safer place.
• I saw my neighbour in the garden digging.I asked, "what are you up to mate?"He replied, "I"m going to dig a really deep hole, fill it with water and have a bucket we can send down to get the water if ever we need it."I thought, "I"ll leave him to it,...... he means well..."
• What"s the difference between Paris Hilton and a toilet seat?The toilet seat"s hole is smaller and smells better.
• Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can"t see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that"s a deep hole!"Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old concrete block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We"d better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened."Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.The farmer said, "Well boys, I don"t think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old concrete block."
• A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.She says to St. Peter, "What"s going on?"He says, "That"s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I"d rather go to Hell."St. Peter says, "In Hell, you"ll be constantly raped and sodomized."She says, "That"s okay. I"ve already got holes for that."
• A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said "Can you please help me, i don"t know what hole i"m on".She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 7; and you are on 6".He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again "I"m sorry to bother you but i"m lost again, can you please tell me what hole i"m on. She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I""m in sales". He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?".She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off.She said "You promised you wouldn"t laugh".He replied "I"m sorry, but i couldn"t fucking help it. " I sell toilet paper,I"m still one hole behind you"
• Two Irishmen are working in the park:The first guy in front digs a hole in the ground, while the guy behind comes in 2 minutes later and fills the holes back in.A woman who has noticed the peculiar behaviour of the two gents, can"t resist and walks over to ask them just what they are up to.The woman walks up and says to the first man, "excuse me, but why are you digging holes and the other guy comes along and fills them in?"The second guy interrupts and says "I think I can answer that...""The guy who plants the trees has called in sick today..."
• I got drunk once and ended up having sex with another bloke.He asked me if I would like to see him again and I said no way.Trouble is he"s left a big hole in my life.