Heaven jokes

• Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven?Because if they all went, it would be hell.
• Barack Obama finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates.Angel: STOP!! You may not enter until you name one good deed you have done on earth.Obama: Well....I was the first black president of the United States of America.Angel: REALLY!?!?! When did this happen?Obama: About 12 seconds ago.
• Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.
• A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven."Hey, what"s going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter."Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies."No, no this isn"t right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away.""Would you like a capuccino?" asks St Peter."No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim."Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him."Jesus, I don"t understand what"s going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Would you like a capuccino?""No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now.""Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears."Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.The muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don"t get what"s happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!""Would you like a capuccino?""Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I"ll have a fucking capuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.
• A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP entrance to a rock concert, but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "is any aspect of you impure in some way?"The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man"s penis..." Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.He asks the second Nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man"s penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.Saint Peter quickly asks, "what is the matter, sister?" The Nun replies, "nothing"s wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
• A classic, no doubt you"ve seen it before, but here goes:In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the AmericanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the FrenchmanHe has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the FrenchmanHe has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the FrenchmanHe has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the FrenchmanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
• Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven"s getting pretty close to full today, and I"ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what"s your story?"The first man replies: "Well, for a while I"ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn"t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn"t you know it, he wouldn"t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn"t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn"t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It"s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn"t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I"m here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I"m hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
• I was driving along when I saw a hitch-hiker holding a sign that said "heaven", so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.
• Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they"re only young and haven"t led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he"s back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.Of course, they don"t believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where"s the Jew and the Abo?"."Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $300, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".
• While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate."Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we"re not sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," says the man."Well, I"d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we"ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.""Really, I"ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator."I"m sorry, but we have our rules."And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They"re having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it"s time to visit heaven," he says.So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns."Well then, you"ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell and the doors of the elevator open and he"s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don"t understand," stammers the senator. "When I was here previously, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there"s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "When you were last here, we were campaigning...... Today you have voted."