Hard jokes
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
- Friends are like condomsThey are there when things get hard.
- What is soft and warm when you go to bed but hard and stiff when you get up?Vomit
- Did you hear about the new Viagra eye-drops?Apparently they make you look hard.
- This Indian bloke walks into this supermarket and ask the attendant what kind of toilet paper they have for sale. The attendant shows him three brands. The first brand is called Kleenex and costs two pounds for two rolls, the second brand is Sorbent and costs one pound for two rolls and the third brand is a no name brand and costs fifty pence for five rolls. The Indian says, "Five rolls for fifty pence, that is cheap - think of the Vindaloos I can have."So the Indian buys the no name toilet paper and leaves. The next day he returns to the store and finds the attendant and says to him, "I still have got four toilet rolls left, but I have found a name for your toilet roll."The attendant looked confused when he said that and asked him to explain.The Indian says, "You should call it John Wayne toilet paper!"The attendant said, "Why John Wayne?"And the Indian replies, "Because it was rough, tough and took no shit!
- What"s long and hard and makes women groan?An Ironing Board.
- A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and, as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma"am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you"ll forgive me."She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I"m in room 436."
- What"s harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?My cock while I"m doing it.
- What"s 18 inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night?Cot death.
- What"s long, hard and hurts gypsies?My Shovel...
- Two eggs got married. On the wedding night, Mr Egg is lying in bed, when out of the bathroom comes Mrs Egg. She says, "I"ve just slipped into something a bit more comfortable", she is wearing a see-through bra and panties.Upon seeing this, Mr Egg says, "Right, I"d better go and slip into something more comfy too."When he comes out of the bathroom he is wearing a crash helmet. Mrs Egg says, "What the fuck are you wearing a stupid crash helmet for?"And Mr Egg says, "The last time I was this hard, some bastard hit me over the head with a fucking spoon."
- My local"s rough as anything.I went to the pub quiz the other night.First question was, "What the fuck are you looking at?"
- A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I"ll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and ݣ3000 a month in living expenses."
