Hand jokes

• Jeremy Beadle has just died at the age of 59. As a mark of respect lets give him a big hand.
• What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?Lefty.
• Poor old Jeremy Beadle. Still at least his hand can be donated to a child.
• They say being a hostage is difficult......But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
• It was so cold this morning I actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!
• I just found out my girlfriend is having her period..I caught her red handed...
• Jeremy Beadle would still be alive today if only he could of got the lid off of his tablets
• How do you know when Mystic Meg is on her period?You get your palm red.
• Sperm Donation..... Its a Cash in Hand Job
• What is the definition of ultimate rejection? Your hand falling asleep while having a wank
• Part 1: How do you make a baby crawl in circles?Nail its hand to the floor.Part 2:How do you make it stop?Nail its other hand to the floor.
• A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard."Are you the manager?", she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no," the man replies."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair."I’m afraid I can’t," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,"she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say."Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
• I was walking through a Saudi Arabian market and I saw a guy getting his hand stitched back on. I said "Oh I see you won your appeal"!!!!
• Why do women keep telling me to "go fuck myself"? Surely they"ve realised that if I could fuck myself, I wouldn"t be putting my hands up their skirts in the first place.
• How do you make an orphan"s hands bleed?Tell him to clap his hands til daddy comes home
• Remember that show "Beadle"s About?"Well he fucking isn"t anymore!
• Little Jenny the chav stands on a chair watching her mom do the washing up. "Mommy," little Jenny asks, "are your hands soft and gentle and smooth because you have them in soapy water?"Her mother smiles and says, "no, sweetheart, it"s because I"m thirteen."
• A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man, and says, "Excuse me sir, I"m conducting a survey, and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I"ve got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I"m bathing the kids."
• Roses are red,Violets are blue,I"m using my hand,But I"m thinking of you.
• Little Suzie is sitting in class when the teacher notices a puddle beneath her chair."Ah Suzie, why didn"t you put your hand up?" asks the teacher."I did Miss, but it ran through my fucking fingers."
• An Essex guy and an Essex girl are making out in his car when the girl says, "Put your finger inside of me!"He is only too willing to oblige."Put another finger inside of me!"So he does."Put your whole hand inside of me!" she says, moaning in pleasure."Now put both hands inside of me!" she screams."Now clap!" she gasps."I can"t clap!" replied the guy."Tight, aren"t I?" she smiles.
• A blind prostitute just moved into my street - you"ve gotta hand it to her...