Hand job jokes

• Snow White always goes to bed at night feeling Sleepy. Apparantly the other 6 dwarfs are really jealous.
• Little Johnny fancies his English teacher, so he goes up to her with a his best chat up line:"Miss, if I drew a picture of my penis on the blackboard, would you rub it off?"
• A new study reveals that using a laptop can reduce men"s sperm count. I don"t know if this is true, but they can definitely lower semen count, especially if you visit the right sites......I have conducted this study first hand.
• A boy goes into the bathroom and starts pleasuring himself, forgetting that he hasn"t locked the door. In walks his Mum."Erm... I... erm...""That"s OK", says his Mum, "but this is how you should do it" and she demonstrates ... anyhow, they get so carried away that before you know it, they"re fully at it on the bathroom floor. When they finish, she says "you"re even better than your father" to which the son says,"yep, that"s what my sister said too".
• It was my birthday yesterday and the wife asked if I wanted a blow job or a hand job. Thinking that my luck was in, I said, "I think I"ll take the blow job option, please."The wife replied, "good choice - if you put that many candles out with your hand you would burn your fucking fingers."
• I"m fucking glad I didn"t live in biblical times.Imagine being called "Job"Whenever anyone needed my help, they would ask - "can you give me a hand Job?"
• My girlfriend"s epileptic and flashing lights can give her a seizure.That"s why I carry a torch when she"s giving me a hand job.
• My new girlfriend whipped out my cock for the first time today!She said "Where"s the best place to rub?"I said "Probably not on this bus!"
• Wife staggered home really late last night, looking really rough. "Where have you been?" I asked."Didn"t have any money to get home, so I had to wank off the driver," she slurred."And that took you until now?""Well, I had just finished, but then the ticket inspector got on..."
• A 13 year old lad says to his 13 year old girl friend, "Toss me off". The girl says "I don"t know how - what do i do?"The lad says "imagine your shaking up a bottle of coke like when you were younger".The girl starts doing it and a couple of minutes in, her boyfriend has tears rolling down his cheeks. The girl says "What"s wrong?"The lad replies "Take your fucking thumb off the end of it"