Hammer jokes

• How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?None
• An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.They had been queuing for 3 weeks to see Closed For The Winter.
• An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics in Beijing, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "Paddy Murphy, fencing."
• The Yorkshire Ripper dies and goes to heaven.When he arrives, God opens the door and hits him 13 times with a hammer, and kicks him right in the bollocks. The Ripper bent over in a lot of pain and said, "Why did you do that?"God replied, "When you where on Earth, you killed 13 women. That was a blow for each of your victims." The Ripper says, "Yes, I understand that, but why kick me in the bollocks?" and God said, "For blaming Me!!!"
• My gran has this antique vase that she said would go for twenty grand "under the hammer".So I smashed it.
• The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You"re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You"re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I"ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I"m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I"ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn"t have one."
• I still remember the last thing that my old grandmother said to me... "What the fuck are you doing with that hammer?"!
• So I was reading this joke by Fles:"Since I got married, I see my car as an extension of my penis. Every day I drive it down the same stretch of road, with no real passion or excitement, to the same dreary destination that I"ve been going to for years. "I agree, but with me I consider my car to be an extension of my penis because I want to hammer it repeatedly into my wife.
• What"s the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Ones fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other ones a watermelon.
• What"s 12 inches long, hard, has a round head and fucks women?Peter Sutcliffe"s hammer.
• Peter Sutcliffe took his latest prostitute out to a new cocktail bar in Yorkshire. When the bartender asked her what she wanted, she turned to Peter and said "Can I have a Screwdriver?" He looks at her for a second and says "Well, it"s a bit of a change for me, but I"m sure I can cope with it!"