Gross jokes

• When I was at school I used to wank in my lessons to pass time........the kids never really liked it though.
• A man and his friend stop by the local pub after work. He loses track of time, looks at his watch and sees its 11:00. He says, “Oh shit! My wife’s going to kill me! I’ve got to get home.” His buddy says, “Relax, try what I do. Whenever I’m out too late, I just sneak into the house, tiptoe up the stairs, quietly slip into bed, and go down on my wife. She‘ll be so happy, she‘ll forget about you being out too late.” The guy thanks him, leaves, and follows his friend’s advice. He sneaks into the house, slips under the covers and goes to work. When he’s finished, he gets up to use the bathroom. He opens the door and is shocked to see his wife sitting on the toilet. He screams, “What the hell are you doing in here!” The wife says, “Be quiet! Grandma’s sleeping in the other room!”
• I used to think syphillis tasted like peppermint......turns out it was just the ointment.
• An English teacher said to her pupils, "There are two words I don"t allow in my class. One is cool, the other is gross."From the back of the class comes a voice calls out, "So, what are the words?"
• What are the top 25 rejected children’s book titles?1. Daddy drinks because you cry2. Garfield gets feline leukemia3. What is that dog doing to that other dog?4. How to dress sexy for grownups5. Why can’t Mr. fork and Mrs. Electrical outlet be friends?6. You were a mistake7. Strangers Have the Best Candy 8. The Little Sissy Who Snitched9. Some Kittens Can Fly! 10. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 11. The Children"s Guide to Hitchhiking 12. Dad"s New Wife John13. POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games 14. 101 Fun games to Play in the Road 15. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear 16. The Little Golden Book of Electrical Wiring 17. Creatures Under The Bed: A Bedtime Story18. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet19. Chemistry from Under the Kitchen Sink20. That’s it; I’m Putting You Up for Adoption21. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator22. Your Nightmares Are Real23. Where Would You Like to be Buried?24. Timmy’s The Wrong Colour To Be Your Friend25. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
• A couple are snogging away when suddenly the woman breaks off and says "Ooh, I think you just passed me your chewing gum."The bloke replies "Ah, sorry, I"ve got bronchial asthma."
• A blonde, a brunette and a redhead get in a lift to go to their office. The brunette sees a suspicious pool of whitish liquid."Eww! That looks like sperm." says the brunette.The redhead bends down and sniffs. "It smells like sperm," she says.The blonde puts her finger in it and licks it. "Well it"s nobody from this building!"
• You know she"s sucked your cock enough when semen replaces her tears
• A man walks down the street and sees a sign outside of a restaurant advertising that the chef will prepare anything no matter how unusual it might be. The man walks inside and tells the waiter, "I want a big steaming plate of shit." The waiter replies, "I"m sorry sir, we can"t do that, that"s impossible." The man reminds him about what the sign out front said. The waiter sighs and says says he will go and talk to the chef. The waiter goes back to the kitchen and explains the man"s odd request. The chef agrees and he and the waiter drop their trousers and shit on a plate. The waiter takes the plate out to the man. Five minutes later, the waiter returns to the kitchen covered from head to toe in shit. The chef asks, "What the hell just happened?" The waiter replies, "He said there was a hair in it!"
• What"s grosser than gross? Finding a pubic hair in your Bloody Mary.