Grandma jokes

• What goes in and out and stinks of piss?Your granny doing the hokey cokey.
• My grandmother died on her 90th birthday.It was a terrible shame.....We were only half way through giving her the bumps at the time!!!
• My old grandad once said to me "The problem with your generation is that you think you invented sex!"So I replied "Okay then, did you ever fuck grandma up the arse, pull it out and come in her face?"Turns out he did, that was how she died.
• I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turnoff - 500 metres". Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.
• Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken.""Yes," says Harry, "that"s inflation for you.""It"s nothing to do with inflation," says grandma, "it"s all them fucking security cameras they have nowadays."
• A little girl runs to her father on her birthday and says, "Daddy, Daddy, guess how old I am today."Humouring her he says, "I don"t know, honey, how old are you?"She replies, "I"m SIX!""That"s great! Go tell your uncle," he tells her.The girl runs into her uncle"s room and again shouts, "Uncie, Uncie, guess how old I am today."He says "Ok, take off your knickers and I"ll tell you."She does so and the uncle sticks his fingers in her, sniffs them, and says, "You"re six today."She asks him, "How did you know that?"He replies, "I heard you talking to your dad."
• A small boy goes into the kitchen one day and run up to his mum. "Mummy, mummy, Grandma"s got a prawn between her legs!""Pardon, darling?""Grandma"s got a prawn between her legs!""Okay, show me"They both walk into the living room, where they find Grandma fast asleep and looking very pleased. Her knickers are missing and her skirt has ridden up so that nothing is left to the imagination."See Mummy? A prawn," says the little boy, pointing between his gran"s splayed legs."No, darling that"s something special women have.""But Mummy," says the little boy, looking confused. "It tasted like a prawn."
• When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa"s back when he was ill. He went down hill fast after that
• Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.
• Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away."Jonny, wait until we"ve said our prayer," his mother reminded him."I don"t have to," the little boy replied."Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house.""That"s at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma"s house and she knows how to cook."
• Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home An old grandpa walked by, and one of the old grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are"The old man said, "There ain"t no way you can guess it, you old fools."One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age. Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You"re 91 years old!""How in the world did you guess?" The ornery old grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because we were at your birthday party yesterday !!!!
• Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don"t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
• Little girl: "Mummy... is it alright if I go and play with Grandma?" Mother: "No, it isn"t... you"ve been to that damned Cemetery three times already today!"
• Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny"s bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.Little Johnny smiles, "It"s not so fucking funny when it"s YOUR mum, is it?"
• Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled "LSD"?"Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
• A woman and a baby are in a doctor"s surgery, where the doctor is concerned about the baby"s weight."Is he bottle or breastfed?" asks the doctor. The woman replies, "breast". With that, the doctor orders her to strip to her waist so he can examine her breasts. After pinching her nipples and sucking and rubbing both of her breasts for some time the doctor says, "No wonder the baby is under weight - you have no milk!"The woman replies, "I know, I"m his Nan - but I"m glad I came."
• My old nan is getting a bit doddery. I went to see her last week, and as soon as I walked in she said, "oh Arthur! Is it you?"I said, "no, nan, grandad died 20 years ago. It"s me, bleary."She carried on: "Oh Arthur, how I"ve missed you so!""Nan! Grandad is dead! I"m your grandson!""Come over here, so I can give you a kiss""I"m not him you daft bitch!""And then, bend me over the kitchen table and throw one into me, the way you used to when we were youngsters.""...Oh Agnes, I"ve missed you so much!"
• A man walks into a pub and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the landlord what its for.The landlord replies every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.The man asks what are the tasksFirst the landlord points to a six foot twenty stone bouncer on the door. You see that bouncer over there? You have to go over and take him out with one punch.Then, well, theres our alsatian out the back. He"s had a sore tooth for the last month and all you have to do is pull it out.Finally, my gran is upstairs. She"s 80 and hasnt had sex for twenty years. You have to go and satisfy her every desire, but you have to put down ten pounds to play.Later after plenty of drinks, the man staggers up to the counter, slaps down a ten pound note and says right Im in.He staggers over to the bouncer and swings. One punch and hes out cold.Then he staggers out the back and for the next ten minutes all that can be heard is the sound of snarling, yelling. grunting, swearing and finally yelping.Then the man staggers back in, clothes in tatters, covered in blood, goes over to the landlord and says right wheres the granny with the sore tooth.
• What"s the similarity between skydiving, and getting a blow job off your granny?Don"t look down!
• Don"t you hate it when you"re driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and sure enough............ Grandma"s fingering herself again!
• I still remember the last thing that my old grandmother said to me... "What the fuck are you doing with that hammer?"!
• Two old ladies are having a cigarette outside the old folks home and it starts to rain. One of them suddenly pulls a condom out of her handbag, unravels it and puts it over the cigarette so it doesn"t get wet."Ooh, what"s that, Betty?" the other asks."It"s called a condom, they sell them at the chemist"s dear," she answers.So the other goes to the chemist"s and, when asked for a condom by such an elderly lady and seeing an opportunity for mirth, the young oik behind the counter smirks and asks, "so what would you like, a ribbed one, a French tickler, flavoured?""Oh, I don"t mind, dear, as long as it fits a Camel."
• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she"s 97 years old and we don"t know where the fuck she is.
• My grandmother gave me a wish.I could either have a perfect memory or a huge penis.I can"t remember my decision
• What"s the difference between an elephant and an American grandmother?Ten pounds and a moustache
• What"s the worst thing about going down on your Grandmother?Hitting the back of your head on the coffin lid.
• My 92 year old grandmother has been waiting on the NHS waiting list for an operation for over a year. Honestly, it"s unbelievable, she has been waiting for a YEAR for this operation. That is appaling. That"s just not acceptable, particularly for a woman of her age. I"ve even said to her, "Nan, could you not just live without bigger boobs?"
• What"s the definition of gross?Dreaming you"re eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face.
• Barack Obama claims that his grandmother was scared of black men....Which is why he didn"t become one until he was 40.