- I got a really expensive watch from my grandad on his deathbed.The prick put up a bit of a fight though.
- I was talking to my Girlfriend and she told me she was pregnant.I was very angry, no one wants to be a grandad at the age of 30.
- My gran died last week. The funeral director said, "bury her with something she liked."As the coffin lowered into the ground, all we could hear was grandad shouting for help.
- Little Johnny went to see his grandad and asked, "Grandad, could you please do a frog impression?"Grandad says, "you what?"Little Johnny says, "can you make the sound of a frog?"Grandad says, "of course I can, but why?"Little Johnny says, "good, because mummy said that, when you croak, we can all fuck off to Disneyland!"
- We call our grandad "Spiderman". He hasn"t got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
- My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed."It"s worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
- Apparently, my grandad has been like a "fish out of water" since moving into the old peoples home.In other words, he"s dead.
- My Grandad has got Parkinson"s...He can"t stop interviewing people.
- My old nan is getting a bit doddery. I went to see her last week, and as soon as I walked in she said, "oh Arthur! Is it you?"I said, "no, nan, grandad died 20 years ago. It"s me, bleary."She carried on: "Oh Arthur, how I"ve missed you so!""Nan! Grandad is dead! I"m your grandson!""Come over here, so I can give you a kiss""I"m not him you daft bitch!""And then, bend me over the kitchen table and throw one into me, the way you used to when we were youngsters.""...Oh Agnes, I"ve missed you so much!"
- My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, "that"s amazing how the hell did he know all that?" My dad replied, "the judge told him."
- My grandad was given 24 hours to live, so he drank a bottle of vodka and ate three packets of fireworks.It didn"t save his life, but it gave us one hell of a show at the cremation.
- They say laughter is the best medicine.My grandad has Alzheimer"s and we"ve been laughing at him for years and he hasn"t got any better.
- An elderly manis driving down the M1when his mobile rings.Answering it,he hears his wifeon the other end.
"albert",she says,"please be carefulwhen you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio
that there`s a maniac on the M1.he`s driving the wrong way!"
"its not just one" albert replies,"There`s fucking hundreds of them!"