Gran jokes

• I ran downstairs when I heard my gran screaming. She was kneeling on the floor clutching her chest. I thought she was having a heart attack or something.Turns out she was just kneeling on her tits.
• My mate keeps telling me I should go retro.So I fucked his gran.
• We buried my gran on Tuesday. We all agreed on burial over cremation, mainly because we were worried the screams and smoke might make the neighbours suspicious.
• I was just about to head off to the shop one day when my gran asked for some plums.Being the polite young man I am, I proceeded to teabag her.
• My gran always said when she died she wanted to go peacefully in her sleep. Pity she woke up while I was pressing the pillow down on her face.
• My gran died last week. The funeral director said, "bury her with something she liked."As the coffin lowered into the ground, all we could hear was grandad shouting for help.
• I was driving past my Gran"s house today and saw 11 pints of milk on her doorstep. I thought, "she must be fucking thirsty today."
• We cleared out my gran"s flat this morning, sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her flat on the market. She"ll be well pissed off when she gets back from bingo.
• My gran always gets me socks for my birthday and Christmas.She says, "You can never have too many socks, my love".You can if you"re Heather Mills.
• My gran said to me this morning, "what"s the first sign of Alzheimer"s?"I gave her the same answer I gave her yesterday.
• My grandad likes to wear my nan"s wedding ring on a chain around his neck.She"s not dead, he just finds it funny to watch her looking for it.
• My gran accidentally emailed me some sexual pictures today. It was so embarassing. I can"t believe we did all that when we were drunk!
• Me old Gran died this morning God bless her.Still, at over 90 she"d had a good innings and she chose a pleasant way to go.She just sat down in a chair, relaxed, closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.She didn"t wake up again.Mind you, she caused fucking havoc in that dental practice!
• Since my lovely old gran turned senile, all she does all day is just stare through the window.I suppose one day I"ll get round to letting her come in.
• Q)Whats blue and fucks grannys? A)hyperthermia
• Q: What's that shriveled up old thing on Grandma? A: Grandpa.
• My Gran just walked in on me having a wank. She was so shocked, she had a stroke! I couldn't believe how soft her hands were!!!