Gold jokes

• Why is there no podium at the Special Olympics?Because they are all winners!
• After the success of the British Team at this years Olympic Games, we are hoping for the same from our Paralympic squad.Apparently we are expecting a Gold in the synchronised dribbling and the Window Licking team are rumoured to be a bit Special too.
• Britain has picked up another gold medal at the Paralympics after middleweight boxer Sid Johnson licked his Russian opponent in the final.
• Israel has handed five prisoners to Hezbollah in return for the remains of two dead soldiers.The lengths the Jews will go to for a few gold teeth!!
• Britain"s Paralympic champions were in tears today after their coach explained there is no chocolate inside the gold medals.
• Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn"t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn"t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit"s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr.Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
• A man and a woman are in bed when the woman hands the man a packet of condoms."They are Olympic condoms," she says"Olympic condoms?" he replies"Yes, they"re coloured Gold, Silver, and Bronze.""I"ll use the Gold," he says"No, use the Silver, you can come second for once."
• Four friends go on holiday to South Africa - one English, one American, one French and one Chinese. While out trekking in the countryside they find some gold in the ground. The Frenchman, a geologist, realises that they have stumbled across a rich seam, suitable for a new mine.The American happens to be a billionaire, so he buys the land with an arrangement that they split the profits four ways - The Englishman is an engineer, so is put in charge of extraction. The Chinese man is involved in import and export so is put in charge of supplies. The Frenchman is a manager, so is put in charge with overseeing the whole operation.A year later the American returns to see how his investment is going. First he goes to the main office to see how the Frenchman is doing."Well," he says, "we"re getting some gold out, but there seem to be some problems with the extraction. You"d better go down and see."So the American walks down to the mine, meets the Englishman emerging from the entrance and asks him how things are going."Well" he says, "my boys are fine, but the Chinese guy just isn"t pulling his weight. Go down there and you"ll see what I mean."So he walks down into the mine. After a couple of hundred yards it"s almost pitch black down there and he can"t see or hear anyone. All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a pillar and shouts "Supplies!"
• I must admit, you have to take your hat off to Michael Phelps for winning a record eight medals at the olympics, but isn"t it strange seeing a white man wearing that much gold?
• A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he"s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn"t sleep that night.He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can"t tell you. You"re not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can"t tell you. You"re not a monk."The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task.After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life"s wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound... But, of course, I can"t tell you what it is because you"re not a monk.
• My daughter was really upset when she found out her new gold earrings were only gold plated.Not as upset as I was, they"re leaving a green rash on my thighs.