God jokes

• The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God please somebody help me!”THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.
• Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.
• Why did God invent women?Because, no matter how often you try, you can never quite reach your cock with your own mouth.
• Why did God invent colour blindness?So someone will fancy the ginger kids.
• After the tsunami in Asia God phoned Bin Laden and said "Beat that, fuck face".
• If God didn"t want us to eat animals, he wouldn"t have made them out of food.
• When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so I could make love to her.When I grew up, I realised God didn"t work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
• Which is the odd one out - a black Pope, a brave Frenchman or God ?God - you"ll definitely see him one day
• A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven."Hey, what"s going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter."Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies."No, no this isn"t right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away.""Would you like a capuccino?" asks St Peter."No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim."Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him."Jesus, I don"t understand what"s going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Would you like a capuccino?""No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now.""Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears."Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.The muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don"t get what"s happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!""Would you like a capuccino?""Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I"ll have a fucking capuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.
• What if God"s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I"ll never know why.
• What"s the difference between God and Bono?God doesn"t wander around Dublin thinking he"s Bono.
• God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!" He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said "Fuck me! this"ll have to wear make up!"
• If we"re all God"s children, then what"s so special about Jesus?
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn"t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.