Glasgow jokes

• TERROR ATTACK IN GLASGOWMuslim extremists have detonated a thermonuclear warhead in the heart of Glasgow.The damage so far is estimated at fifteen pounds.
• Police have named the suspect in Glasgow airport bombing as Singe Majeep.
• One of the Glasgow bombers, Singed Majeep, is complaining that all he gets in hospital to eat is haggis, neeps and tatties. What the heck does he expect in the Burns unit?
• One of the Glasgow terror suspects has died from his injuries.His condition has been described as satisfactory.
• 1 can of petrol - £202 Calor gas bottles - £42.501 Cherokee jeep - £2000Watching two terrorists burn alive - Priceless
• Typical - the smoking ban comes into force and yet Muslims can still light up in airports.
• Strathclyde Police have named one of the Glasgow Airport terror suspects as: "Sinje Majeep" who was apparently celebrating the lesser known Muslim festival of Ramavan.
• Glasgow airport bar have a drinks deal.Two pints of lager, an Asian guy soaked in petrol and a box of matches.It"s called "Two Pints of Lager and a Paki to Crisp".
• My local"s rough as anything.I went to the pub quiz the other night.First question was, "What the fuck are you looking at?"
• A blind rabbit bumps into a blind snake. They agree to guess what each other are by touch.The snake says "You have a fluffy tail, big pointy ears and buck teeth - you must be a rabbit"The rabbit replies "You"ve got dry scaly skin, no lips, no ears, no hair, you"re eyebrows aren"t there and you"re hissing.""Fuck me, you"re that paki bomber from Glasgow airport!"
• Jokes that only work in Scotland A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair."Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? OorWullie. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That"s affa deer," says the guy. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He"s awa" noo. After announcing he"s getting married, a boy tells his pal he"ll be wearing the kilt. "And what"s the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she"ll be wearing a white dress," he replies. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ." What"s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe." What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly bastard. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:"Whatwould you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I"d put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn"t get the fare?" "I"d take the first two weeks in August," he replies. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right." A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What"s up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
• "The great thing about Glasgow now is that if there is a nuclear attack it"ll look exactly the same afterwards"- Billy Connolly