Girlfriend jokes

• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.So now I have two.
• My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.
• I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, until someone took my binoculars...
• My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
• My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.
• My girlfriend dumped me last week just after I broke my wrist.Right when I needed her the most!
• Before we broke up my last girlfriend screamed at me "I never want to see you again!".So I replaced her eye drops with battery acid.
• My girlfriend said I"ve got the biggest cock she"d ever seen,That"s one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.
• I just ended a long-term relationship today.I"m not too bothered, it wasn"t mine.
• My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said, "we need to talk about our future."I said, "yeah, it"s gonna be fucking mental - we"ll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"I"m now single.
• A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn"t have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you.""Why, because you miss me?""No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."
• A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?""Yeah, once or twice," he said."You mean you"ve actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked."Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I"d ever lied to my girlfriend."
• I can"t fucking stand Mark Lawrenson. If I want someone to constantly interrupt my enjoyment of the football with pointless, witless, ill-informed shite then I"ll get a girlfriend.
• I beat my girlfriend at dominos the other day. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings!