Girl jokes

• What should you do if your little girl starts smoking?Slow down and use a lubricant.
• Remember when?There was no gun or knife crime.You could let your kids play outside with no fear.There were no hoodies or street scum who terrorised the neighbourhood.Old folk could collect their penisions without being mugged.And little girls would get into your car for a bag of sweets or the promise of seeing some puppies.
• The girl who grew up next door to me has just landed a part in a major film, at the age of 20.My claim to fame is that I shagged her before she was famous. 16 years before to be precise.
• Some girls beg & some girls borrow,Some girls lead & some girls follow,Some bring joy & some bring sorrow,But all the best girls suck then swallow.
• The papers at the end of August are full of results pictures, all of which show smiling, fashionably dressed pretty girls getting their A Level results. Where do these girls go? By the time the new students start University a month later they have all transformed into greasy, ugly lads and overweight girls in black eyeliner and secondhand jumpers.
• How do you confuse a blind lesbian?Take her to a fish market.
• I was out in Bridgend last night. All the girls are bit ropey
• Why is Santa Claus always smiling?Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Wise old saying:Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.
• I was in the pub last night and I took advantage of a young girl.When she went to the toilet, I nicked her chair.
• The girl next door has a life-threatening condition.She is fancied by me.
• A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper."Where does poo come from?" he asks.The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:"Well you know we just ate breakfast?""Yes," answers the boy."Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: "And tigger?"
• I met this really kinky girl."Humiliate me " she said.I bought her a Tottenham shirt.
• I was sitting in the park last week chewing a sweet when a little girl came over and asked if she could have a sweet.I said, "I only have one left, sorry." She looked a bit sad so I gave her one.Then I ate my last sweet.
• When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so I could make love to her.When I grew up, I realised God didn"t work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.
• In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?""How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher."Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I"m seven years old." "No, dear, you can"t get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
• One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He"d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter"s" date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father"s nose and told him to blow hard.When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That"s so wonderful! Isn"t he smart? What do you think he"s going to bewhen he grows older?"The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
• This 8 year old girl goes into Santa"s grotto, she sits on his lap and father Christmas says, "Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas my dear?" The little girl says, "Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!" Santa says, "Will a little white beard be ok?"
• A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family"s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house.""My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"The little girl replied, "I will if those useless cunts at B & Q ever bring us the fucking plasterboard"
• Being at school is difficult. Being surrounded by attractive young girls and then trying to hide your erection to avoid embarrassment.Yeah, I"d have to say it"s tough being a primary school teacher.
• How do you recognise an Irish rape suspect?He steps out of the line and says "That"s the girl!!"
• A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.It said: "Good till the last drop"Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"Mum now knew to go straight to her husband"s cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."Mum fainted!
• What"s the best thing about a ten year old girl?Flip her over and you"ve got a ten year old boy.What"s the best thing about a ten year old boy?No need to flip.
• I must apologise to all Americans who happen to be out there reading these jokes, we must never forget that Americans, like most other people, are needed. They are needed for entertainment, target practice, setting the standards for international IQ"s, providing weapons to middle east countries, spreading mass panic at airports (although Muslims helped), and last but equal to all else - providing easy girls to fuck!
• One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don"t step on the ducks, don"t bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."
• I don"t know, the young girls of today, all they want to do is be groped, touched, spoken dirty to and generally sexually abused ............................... Don"t they?