Genie jokes

• A nigger was walking along when he found an old lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and told the surprised coon that he had three wishes.The nigger thought for a while and after about a minute he said, "I want to be white, rock hard and get plenty of arse!"So the genie turned him into a toilet!
• A White, a Black and an Indian are walking along the beach when they find a magic lamp. Quick as a flash, out pops a Genie."Ah, you have freed me," says the Genie. "I will grant you each one wish to show my gratitude." The Indian says, "I wish all the Indians were home in India living happy lives."Poof! He dissapears.The Black says, "I wish all the Blacks were home in Africa living happy lives."Poof! he dissapears.Then the White turns to the Genie and says, "so you"re telling me there are no Blacks or Indians in the country?""Yes, I suppose so," replies the Genie.The White says, "well, I"ll just have some champagne then."
• A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.The next thing the guy knows, he"s in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 stunningly beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in £50 notes. Next, there"s a knock at the door, so he answers it!Standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb and hang him by the neck until dead.As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It"s the two blonde genies!One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish..... having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
• Three guys: a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a British engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and when they pick it up a Genie pops out. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land in Canada to be forever fertile." POOOOF! With a blink of the Genie"s eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama bin Laden was amazed at this display, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall to be set up around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, British and other infidels forever outside our precious state." POOOOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie"s eye, a huge wall appeared around those countries. The British engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it"s 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries... it"s virtually impenetrable. Now what is YOUR wish?" The British engineer smiles and says, "fill it with water."
• A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can"t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ""You know, I"m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?""The big guy nods slowly. He"s obviously fielded this question many times. ""One day,"" he begins, ""I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.""""No shit?"" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.""Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."""""Keep going!""I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.She said, ""You now have three wishes.""I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ""I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."" She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!She then asked, ""What will be your second wish?""""What next?"" begged the bartender.I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ""I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."" She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ""You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?""I looked at her and replied, ""How "bout a little head?""
• A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He"s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There"s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear."Well, kid," says the genie, "you know how it works. You have three wishes.""I"m not falling for this," says the man, "I"m not going to trust a person from the Inland Revenue.""What do you have to lose? You"ve got no transportation, and it looks like you"re a goner anyway!"The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right."Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."***POOF***The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies."Okay, kid, what"s your second wish?""My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."***POOF***The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems."Okay, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that, no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."***POOF***He is turned into a tampon.The moral of the story? If the Revenue offers you anything, there"s bound to be a string attached!
• A black guy knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him."I wanna be rich." said the black man. The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye."I"m no fool," said the black man. "I wanna be white." And there he stood, white, blonde-haired and blue-eyed."Lastly, I never want to work another day in my life." And he was black again.
• A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?"The ginger says "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold" the genie looks at him and says "don"t be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? that"s impossible. pick something else." so the ginger says "I want everyone to stop taking the piss out of my hair colour" the genie says "so this mansion, you want en suite bathrooms?"
• Prince Charles was driving around his mother"s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn"t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?" The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let"s have another look at the dog".
• A disheveled man walks into a bar with a small box with music coming out of it and puts it on top of the bar. Curious, the bartender says, "Hey pal, what"s the music box for?"The man protects the box, but asks the bartender, "If I show you something you"ve never seen before, will you give me a free drink?"The bartender laughs and says, "Buddy, I"ve been tending bar for thrity years! I"ve seen EVERYTHING! If you show me something I"ve never seen before, I"ll give free drinks to EVERYBODY!"Now all the patrons in the bar are watching. The bum opens the box, and inside, is a miniature man about so tall playing a piano. He plays Beethoven, ragtime, Jerry Lee Lewis, Elton John and is just going nuts playing stuff. Everyone mills around ohhing and awing. The bartender is overcome with amusement: "Allright! Drinks for everyone!"The crowd packs in and gets their drinks, then goes and sits down.When they"re alone again, the bartender can"t help himself."So, uh, listen pal, where"d you get the tiny musician?""Well", says the bum, downing his drink, " just a couple hours ago, I woke up on the beach, and I didn"t want to live anymore, so I was shuffling down the shore with my feet in the sand, ready to throw myself in the ocean, and I kicked up a bottle. I thought maybe it would fetch me enough money for another drink so I rubbed the dirt off and a genie popped out and granted me one wish!""Oh, I see!", said the bartender, actually a little confused,"so you wished for a twelve inch pianist?""Yeah. Something like that...", says the drunk.