- An engineer, a mathematician and a programmer are driving to a conference, when on the way the car breaks down. The engineer gets out, and opens up the engine to try to figure out the problem. The mathematician takes out his notepad and starts trying to solve the problem logically. The programmer closes all the windows, turns the car off, and then turns it back on. It starts working again, and they all make it to the conference on time.
- Q: What type of bear dissolves in water? A: A polar bear
- let's get together and study group theory!
- Q. How many ears does Spock have? A. 3. A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.
- Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They're cheaper than day rates
- Q. What do you do when a chemist dies? A. Barium
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
- Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"
Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
- A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.
The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
- Heisenberg was pulled over by a police officer, who asked him,
- The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
- Q: Why do programmers get Halloween and christmas confused?
A: Because OCT31 = DEC25.
- A farmer noticed that his chickens were sick, and called in a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help diagnose the problem. The biologist observed the chickens, concluding, "I can tell you there's something wrong with your chickens, but I don't know what's causing it." The chemist took fluid samples from the chickens back to his lab, and returned saying, "I can tell you what's infecting your chickens, but I don't know how they got it." Meanwhile, the physicist had been sitting on the floor, scribbling maddly on several notebooks worth of paper. Suddenly, he jumped up, exclaiming, "I have the answer, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccuum."
- Has anyone seen that Stephen Hawking has released another book?
It's about time!!!
- Q: How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem? A: He worked it out with a pencil.
- A man walks into a bar, goes to the bartender and says, "Give me ten times the number of drinks everyone has in this bar!"
The bartender says, "Wow. That's an order of magnitude."
- She: So, what do you do? He: I teach Unix. She: Oh. [pauses] She: What do you teach them?
- Nerd out for a walk sees a frog at the side of the road.
"Help!" says the frog, "a wicked witch turned me into a frog! Kiss me to turn me back into a beautiful princess, and we'll marry and live happily ever after."
The nerd picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and walks on. The frog sticks it's head out and says, "aren't you going to kiss me?"
"Look", he replies, "I'm a nerd, I don't have room for a woman in my life. But having a talking frog - that's really neat..."
- Every Friday afternoon, a theoretical physicist goes down to the corner bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet.
But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the man makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says,
- Rene Descartes had been drinking in a bar. When the bartender asked, "Would you like another?," Descartes responded "I think not."
Then Descartes disappeared.
- What does myself and a neutrino have in common? We're both constantly penetrating your mom!
- What's the difference between an introverted geek and an extroverted geek?
The introverted geek looks at his feet when he talks to you. The extroverted geek looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you.
- A priest, a doctor and an engineer are playing golf, but they're stuck behind a group of guys who are playing incredibly slow. Right before they are about to play through, the groundskeeper drives up and says, "I'm really sorry you got stuck behind these guys, but they're a bunch of firemen who were blinded while stopping our building from burning down, so we pretty much let them play whenever they want." The priest says "Oh that's terrible; I'll pray for them tonight." The Doctor says "That's rough, I'll ask around maybe one of my friends can do something for them." The Engineer says "Why can't these guys play at night?"
- Why don't we go back to my place, and I'll show you the exponential growth of my natural log.
- Two chemists walk into a bar deciding to have a drinking contest.
The first chemist tells the bartender 'Ill have H20 please.' The second chemist says 'Ill have H20 too.'
Naturally, the first chemist won.
- The majority of people have an above average number of legs
- Q: How many prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That's a hardware problem.
- A shift register is walking down the street when he comes across a binary string blocking the sidewalk. He taps the string on the shoulder and says, "Hey, can you move over a bit?"
- A rancher needs a new pen for his sheep. He asks an architect, and engineer, and a mathematician for help to build the biggest pen possible.
He leads them to a stack of fence pieces.
The architect takes all the pieces and makes a square, saying it's the most usual shape for such a structure.
The engineer takes all the pieces and makes a circle, saying it's the strongest shape you can make.
The mathematician walks confidently over to the stack, takes 3 pieces and makes a triangle. He stands inside and says, "I define myself as outside of the pen."
- Johnny was a chemist,
But Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought was H2O
- Q: What do programmers and cats have in common?
A: When either one is unusually excited, an appropriate question is "Did you find a bug?".
- A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are on vacation on a far-off island when they're arrested and thrown in jail for eating bananas on a Friday. The magistrate explains the strange sentencing laws of the island to them: "You'll each be locked in a cell for one month, with enough canned food and water to keep you alive. You cannot leave your cell or communicate with the outside world, but after that month, you'll be set free."
The academics are locked into their stone cells, and quickly realize that, although they have a reasonably large supply of canned food and water, they do not have can-openers.
When a month has passed, the guards open the cell doors to release the prisoners. They find that the biologist was able to develop a strange form of bacteria that would eat through metal but leave the food untouched, hence ensuring his survival. The physicist managed to arrange conditions such that the most favorable quantum state for the food would be outside of the can, and also survived.
They found the mathematician dead in his cell, surrounded by unopened cans of food. Scrawled in blood across the walls and floor were, "ASSUME CAN OPEN! ASSUME CAN OPEN!"
- A robot walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve robots". The robot replies "You will".
- 3 economists go hunting and approach a deer. The first economist takes a shot that's wide to the left. The second shoots, but he's wide to the right. The third economist jumps up a shouts "We got him!".
- Poor Heisenberg knows exactly how fast his keys are moving.
- What's a mathematician's favourite detective? Magnum 3.14159.
- 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
- "355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!"
- A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
- A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
- A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master.
"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said.
- A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
- Entropy isn't what it used to be.
- Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
Three megs for system source;
One disk to rule them all,
One disk to bind them,
One disk to hold the files
And in the darkness grind 'em.
- Two mathematicians are in a restaurant, debating the state of math education in the area. The first mathematician believes that the mass's math education was quite weak, while the second mathematician believed things weren't as dire as the first mathematician claimed. The first mathematician went to the bathroom, and while he was gone the second mathematician called over their waitress.
"When my friend comes back, I'm going to ask you a question, and you'll answer one third x cubed. There's twenty dollars in it for you." The waitress agreed.
The first mathematician comes back and the two men continue their debate. Finally they decide to leave and call over the waitress. As they pay, the second mathematician says "Incidentally, would you happen to know the integral of x squared?" The waitress paused for a moment, thinking hard before answering, "one third x cubed." The second mathematician smiles at his friend, whom tentatively agrees that math education isn't as poor as he first thought. As the waitress walks away, she stops, turns around and says, " plus c!"
- An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, "May I join you?"
- I used to bad at geometry, but I turned that around 360 degrees.
- There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
- Q: Because it was already on the other side.
A: Why did the tachyon cross the road.
- Q) how many Tier 1 Helpdesk Techs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A) We'll just start with the basics first, have you tried turning the light off and on again?
- As a kid I dreamed of being an accountant working in a subtraction department. I always wanted to make a difference.
- There's no place like 127.0.0.1
- Why are quantum physicists bad at sex? Because when they find the position they can't find the momentum, and when they find the momentum, they can't find the position.
- photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
- A million neutrinos walk into a bar.
One says, "Ouch"
- What's an anagram of Banach-Tarski?
Answer : Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski
- Consider a glass 50% filled with water. What would people call that glass?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Engineer: the glass is too big
- The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because :
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because :
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
- Horse race announcer: And the winner is
- A train station is where a train stops. A bus station is where a bus stops. On my desk I have a workstation...
- A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are watching a house. Two people walk in. A few minutes later, four people leave. The physicist says, "our measurement must've been inaccurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "if two people enter the house, it will be empty again."
- What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi
- 2 atoms strolling along...one suddenly exclaims; "Shit, I've lost an electron!!"
"Are you sure"?!
"Yes!" it replied... "I'm positive!"
- Q: What's the square root of 69?
A: Ate something!
- Are you an alpha carbon? Because you look susceptible to backside attack.
- I wish I was DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
- Three geeks walk into a bar... oh, wait. No they don't.
- Why does everyone like the mushroom?
Because he's a Fungi!
- A pessimist would think the glass is half empty
an optimist would see it as the glass as half full
and industrial operations engineer sees the glass as precisely 2x too big.
- Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
- A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
- Why do quantum physicists make bad lovers?
Because when they have the position they can't find the momentum and when they have the momentum they can't find the position.
- Some source code walks into a bar for programs, and says, "I'll have a beer." The bartender program says "Get the hell out of here, we don't serve your kind." So the source code says, "Oh yeah? Why don't you make me?"
- Guy 1: "If the automobile industry had developed like the software industry, we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon!
- A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer, he quickly downs it and asks the bartender for his tab. The bartender looks him up and down and says "for you, no charge."
- When composers die, they decompose
- I wish I was on the keyboard 'cause 'I' is next to 'U'
- I wish I were your derivative so I could lay tangent to your curves
- Your momma's so fat, she has to subnet to fit through the door!
- An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint. The second one orders 1/2 of a pint. The third one orders 1/4 of a pint and so on. The bartender says "your all idiots," pours two drinks and leaves.
- These two C strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
- Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they can't C#
- When at first you don't succeed,corrupt the data