Gay jokes

• The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.And then it hit me.
• Wanted:A tall well built woman with goodreputation, who can cook frogslegs, who appreciates a good fuc-schia gaden, classical music and tal-king without getting too seriousbut please only read lines 1, 3 and 5
• How do you know if your garden has AIDS?All the pansies die.
• 9 out of 10 men prefer large boobs.The other man prefers the 9 men.
• Apparently about 1 person in 10 is homosexual.Also around 1 person in 10 uses an Apple Mac.Coincidence?
• Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?He came home shit faced.
• I love going gay clubbing!My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.
• I got asked to judge "Mr Gay UK" the other week. I said no problem, he"s immoral, against nature and he"s going to hell.
• So let me see if I"ve got this straight about the Church of England.They are short of good Bishops, people who wear big red frocks and parade up and down generally making themselves the centre of attention, spending half their time getting involved in trivial arguments about what flowers should go where or droning on at a bored audience.But they don"t want women or gays doing it? Talk about making life difficult for yourself....
• Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significantothers were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; theyall drowned, and next thing you know, they"re standing before St. Peter.First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his headsadly."I can"t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, youeven married a woman name Penny."Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can"t let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eatso much, you even married a woman named Candy!"The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn"t look good, Dick."
• Which is better, being born black or gay?Black, because you don"t have to tell your parents.
• While I agree with a healthier Britain, I"m totally against the Government"s statement on four fruits a day.I"ve worn myself out trawling all the gay pubs and clubs and, on top of that, my fucking arsehole is shot to shit.
• What"s the difference between a gay and a microwave?A microwave won"t brown your sausage.
• A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he"s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he"s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher.""That"s right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let"s get fish and chips, then I"ll buy you that bike you"ve been asking for.""Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
• This prisoner escapes after 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he"s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He"s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn"t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don"t resist, don"t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he"ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "he wasn"t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."
• 95% of black males say they enjoy sex in the shower.The other 5% haven"t been to prison yet.
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn"t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn"t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit"s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr.Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
• A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don"t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line."How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?"Fifteen bucks," came the reply."And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added."What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!"The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went.As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
• Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?". Little Boy: "He"s a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money"s right he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his gob".Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".Little boy: "No miss, it"s bollocks. He plays for Derby County but I"m too embarrassed to say".
• I definitely do not understand women. My wife says I should be more like her "perfect" gay male friend, but she screamed blue murder when I tried to shag her up the arse.
• Q)How do you stop a gay from drowning? A)Take your foot of his head!
• A convict breaks into a house,ties up the husband and wife,whispers in her ear then walkes away,husband says i saw how he kissed u satisfy him or he will kill us just be strong i love u,wife replys he didn't kiss me he whisperd in my ear he's gay and horny and where's the vaseline,i told him its in the bathroom,lets see who's fucking strong now !
• what's the hardest part about learning to rollerskate? telling your dad that you're gay.