Fuck jokes

• A man went into a library and asked for a book on suicide.The librarian said "Fuck off, you won"t bring it back."
• I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what"s your disability?"I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
• A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can"t lie to you. I"ve been having an affair with my secretary and we"ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn"t wake up until eight o"clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You"ve been playing golf!"
• A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that"ll be 10 pence." "Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?" "A pound," the barman replied. "A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where"s the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What"s he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I"m doing to his business down here."
• Who says men can"t multi-task?I can fuck my girlfriend and think about her sister at the same time.
• Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy"s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da" sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!""I"ll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what"s the use of fookin" one?"
• Why do women keep telling me to "go fuck myself"? Surely they"ve realised that if I could fuck myself, I wouldn"t be putting my hands up their skirts in the first place.
• I was raised a Catholic, and the most annoying thing about going to church was all the standing up, sitting down, and kneeling.I wish the priest could"ve just picked a position and fucked me!
• Three tough looking rats are sitting at a bar drinking.The first rat puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, "You know how tough I am? Well, you know that rat poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner!"The second rat looks unimpressed and says, "That"s nothing. You know those big fucking rat traps they got all over the place? Well, get this - I jump in and out of them for a bit exercise. That"s how tough I am!"The third rat knocks back his whiskey, slams the glass down on the bar and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" asks the first rat."I"m off home to shag the cat", replies the third rat.
• There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:10. What the fuck do you mean we"re sinking? -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 19129. What the fuck was that? -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 19458. Where did all these fucking Indians come from? -- Custer, 18777. Any fucking idiot could understand that. -- Einstein, 19386. It does so fucking look like her! -- Picasso, 19265. How the fuck did you work that out? -- Pythagoras, 126 BC4. You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling? -- Michelangelo, 15663. Scattered fucking showers, my arse! -- Noah, 4314 BC2 Aw c"mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? -- Bill Clinton, 19991. Geez, I didn"t think they"d get this fucking mad. -- Saddam Hussein, 2003