Fruit jokes

• Shipman was moaning about a lack of fruit in his diet. He said he could murder a Granny Smith.
• What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?AIDS.
• How do you make a fruit cordial?Compliment his shoes.
• Government approved information indicates that you have to eat five portions of fruit and veg a day to stay healthy.Yesterday I ate five mouldy plums and I shat the bed. How is that healthy?
• What do rhubarb and cocks have in common?Both are long, thin, covered in skin, pink in the middle and go in tarts.
• How do you make a fruit punch?Rip the piss out of his boyfriend.
• I can"t believe how much the price of food has gone up in the past couple of years.Now anybody having their 5-a-day is just showing off.
• Two men are shipwrecked and manage to make it onto an uncharted island where they are approached by a large group of cannibals who can amazingly speak English.The cannibals tell them that they have a chance to live on this island without being eaten so long as they pass the "Ordeal of Fruit", the surviors accept the challenge with little pondering and the Cannibals send the pair off to individually collect one hundred pieces of fruit each and then report back to them.The first survivor returns with one hundred grapes and cannibals instruct him to shove each grape into his anus without wincing or laughing or he will be killed on the spot.However just as the first grape reaches his butt hole he bursts out laughing.The cannibals ask why he is laughing and he replies "I"m sorry, it"s just that my friend is collecting pineapples!"
• What"s the difference between Bananaman and Superman?One"s a fruit, one"s a vegetable.
• A rather posh lady went shopping down the local market. She stopped at the fruit stall and asked; "Where are those apples from?""Zimbabwe, madam." Came the reply."Oh good heavens! I couldn"t buy from Zimbabwe, I do have principles.""Don"t blame you love," said the man. "All those dirty little black hands mauling "em!"
• While I agree with a healthier Britain, I"m totally against the Government"s statement on four fruits a day.I"ve worn myself out trawling all the gay pubs and clubs and, on top of that, my fucking arsehole is shot to shit.