Friend jokes

• My mate somehow got a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up his arse. When I phoned the hospital to see how he was doing, they told me he was picking up nicely.
• What do spastics make in metalwork?Friends.
• I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
• What do you call two black friends?Cotton buds.
• Friends are like condomsThey are there when things get hard.
• I was going to join the debating society, but my friends talked me out of it.
• I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.He was chuffed to bits.
• When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
• I was such an ugly baby...my mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. (Rodney Dangerfield)
• A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won"t believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"His friend replies, "That"s great! Did you get a blowjob?""No, I never found the head."
• A dog is truly a man"s best friend.If you don"t believe it, just try this experiment.Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
• A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What"s wrong?" he asks."You gave me the wrong key!"
• Disability jokes are not funny. I"ve got a friend in a wheelchair who just can"t stand it.
• My best friend"s just been killed and I need help.How long before he starts smelling and what do I say to the police when they realise he"s missing? Google didn"t help.
• This ginger kid came up to me and asked me if I could give him 40p for the phone box, as he had to call a friend. I said to him, "here"s 80p, you might as well call them all."
• A serious question, how many people on here have ever seen a Chinese funeral? I haven"t and none of my friends or family have, so this leads me to believe that either they live forever or sometimes we just don"t get what we order!
• A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife.Overcome by anger, he stabs him to death.The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says, "Keep that up and, pretty soon, you"ll have no friends left!"
• Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn"t bring it" says Roy. "I thought you packed it". Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?".Naturally Andy didn"t bring it. So they"re stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn"t back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.Another 5 days and he still isn"t back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can"t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts."I KNEW IT! ...... I"M NOT FUCKING GOING."
• After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you"re lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I"d like to hear them say, "Oh fuck, he"s moving!""
• It"s amazing how some people have double standards.I was out with my friend last week and a bird shit on my head, and when it happens to me he"s killing himself laughing. He finds it funny.Oh, but when the tables are turned...and I shit on a birds head, apparently it"s "wrong" and we "can"t be friends anymore".
• Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. They went to 60 games a year and even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob"s voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?""Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first.""Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.""Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?""You"re pitching tomorrow night."
• A bloke goes to see a psychiatrist. He lies down on the couch and says, "Doctor, you"ve got to help me. I"ve got the most terrible problem, I just can"t seem to make any friends." The doctor nods and starts to make some notes.The man continues, "so come on! What are you going to do to help me, you fuckin" fat, ugly bastard?"