French jokes

• Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?So they can watch the battle.
• Going to war without the French is like... World War II
• What did France used to be called ?Germany, until the Brits saved them.
• The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise wasprecipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France"s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country"s military capability. It"s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
• What"s the difference between toast and a frenchman?You can make soldiers out of toast.
• There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence.Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it."And the Englishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I"ll make another kissing noise and slap that French cunt again."
• Which is the odd one out - a black Pope, a brave Frenchman or God ?God - you"ll definitely see him one day
• You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won"t fight for it.
• How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?We don"t know, it hasn"t been tried yet.
• I"ve got a tip for you: if you install the French versions of your favourite programmes, they run a lot faster.
• Why did the French give the Americans the Statue of Liberty?They didn"t need it anymore.
• How do you tell the groom at a Frenchman's wedding? He's wearing the clean bowling shirt.
• Why do they put a bucket of horse manure near the altar at a Frenchman's wedding? To keep the flies off the bride.
• What should you do when you see a Frenchman drowning? Throw him a bar of soap.
• Why are French Canadians forbidden to swim in the St. Lawrence River? Because they leave a ring.
• French pregnancy test: stick a fry up her, 5 minutes later see if the fry has been chewed