Football jokes

• My wife suggested that to spice up our sex life we have a threesome. She looked at me with a sly look in her eye and said if we wanted to, she could call her best friend, or alternatively, if we felt really kinky, we could call her step-sister. Well, lets just say that it was the best night of my life for many years!I called them both, left the three of them to get on with it, and fucked off down the pub to watch the football.
• David Blaine is apparently gutted at the minute. He has discovered his 44 day record of doing fuck all in a box has been smashed by Darren Bent.
• The 90 or so minutes, the teamwork, the scoring, the noise, the passion, the ecstasy, the intensity, the satisfaction after the end of it all I love gang rape
• I just don"t get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no cunt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football do they?!
• A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she"s a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn"t you raise your hand?""Because I"m not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if your not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?""I"m a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can"t believe her ears. "Mary, how come you"re a Hammers fan?""Because my mum and dad are from London"s East End and are West Ham fans, so I"m a West Ham fan too!""Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that"s no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don"t have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?""No," smiles Mary, "I"d be a Liverpool fan."
• What"s nine inches long and dangles in front of a cunt?Steve McLaren"s tie
• I can"t fucking stand Mark Lawrenson. If I want someone to constantly interrupt my enjoyment of the football with pointless, witless, ill-informed shite then I"ll get a girlfriend.
• A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?""Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied."Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.The boy answered, "Sir, there"s nothing but whores and footballers there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex.""No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
• What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn"t a Premiership footballer?A virgin
• Ann Summers has brought out a new lubricant called KY Terry.It"s designed to help you slip in the box more easily.
• I was playing scrabble and had enough letters to make "Tottenham Hotspur Football Club". I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points.
• when david beckham scores for england i drink BECKS when miller scores for england i drink MIllER when paul skools scores for england i drink SKOL thank fuck david SEEMAN was a goalie.
• There was a footy match on planet mars.a pluto united player tackled a jupiter city player badly.the ref came over and said "whats your name,im going to book you"the player replied... ghhfvnggg g kjnvkjntffjhgnggbnjnjntbhntgbrgkjnkjnfvkjnfvkjnfvjnckjnrfvknkjngbknnbhbgvrgvhnrgvhbv...the ref said"ill let you off for the warning this time".
• a funny joke for ya: football
• Just been sat in Witherspoons and this referee walked in..... I thought this is gonna kick off!