Fishing jokes

• What is the difference between an Essex girl and a fishing trawler?One stinks of fish,is covered in crabs and full of semen,the other is a boat for bringing in fish
• Gary Glitter was spotted on a boat with a 15year old.upon police questioning he insisted it was a harmless fishing trip, he only caught crabs.
• Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favourite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish."Tony thought for a second and said, "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favourite brew.Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said, "You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."
• A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£101 237.64" The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn"t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?". "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend"s fucked, you might as well go fishing!""
• A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something."That"s a huge fucker you"ve got there father," says the friend."Watch your language around a man of God," replies the Priest.A little embarassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a "fucker".The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the "fucker"."I"ll clean the fucker and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round."So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he"ll cook the "fucker" for the Pope tonight.The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, "I caught the fucker!"The Bishop cries, "I cleaned the fucker!"And the Cardinal continues, "I cooked the fucker!"The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, "You know, you cunts are alright."
• A man went fishing and hadn"t caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full! The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it. The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wifes legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!".The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up to her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"
• Four married guys went fishing. After an hour or so, the following conversation took place:First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."Second guy: "That"s nothing! I had to promise my wife I"d build her a new deck for the pool."Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I"ll remodel the kitchen for her."They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.So they asked him. "You haven"t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What"s the deal?"Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing, or Sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater."
• Just got a brand new fishing rod and reel for the wife.Best swap I"ve ever made!
• The funeral procession made its way down the road.Six close members of the family were carrying the coffin between them. On top of the coffin was a fishing line, a net and some bait.A passer-by remarked, "He must have been a very keen fisherman.""Oh, he still is," came the reply. "He"s off to the river as soon as they"ve buried his wife!!"
• Noah on the ark says to his wife. "I"m really bored, I"m going to do a bit of fishing" and wanders off.He"s back half an hour later. "I"m still bored"His wife say"s "I thought you were going to do a bit of fishing, why stop after half an hour?"He says "Well I only had two worms"
• A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma"am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn"t that obvious?")"You"re in a restricted fishing area," he informs her."I"m sorry officer, but I"m not fishing, I"m reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I"ll have to take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven"t even touched you," says the game warden."That"s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma"am", and he left.MORAL:Never argue with a woman who reads. It"s likely she can also think.
• Bob and his best friend Jeff went on a fishing trip. Jeff brought along his gorgeous new wife, and the three had a great time, even though the cabin was so small they all had to share a bed. Bob got woken up in the middle of the night by Jeff"s wife, who wanted to fool around. Bob was willing, but he just couldn"t betray Jeff, who was sleeping next to Bob. The wife said "Don"t worry Bob, Jeff"s a sound sleeper. He won"t wake up no matter what we do." To prove it, she reached over and pulled a hair from Jeff"s asshole. He never moved. Bob and the wife got to it seven times all through the night, pulling a hair from Jeff"s ass each time to make sure he was still sleeping. As Bob reached for another hair, Jeff spoke up. "Bob, I really don"t care if you fuck my wife, but stop using my ass as a scoreboard!"